:: 1000 Oceans - tori amos


These tears I've cried
I've cried a thousand oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
Keep you from flying
And I would cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home


i'm in a tori amos mood. the words she sings, they make me feel nice. sleeps with butterflies is really nice. i wish i'd stop using the word nice so much. if i asked someone wat they thought of me and all they said was tt i was nice, i'd be pretty offended.


kat's hockey match last night. smelly cold air but nice rough game. rave on sat night after work. was a bit like a high school party with dance music and juveniles tripping on E. i liked wat i wore though. {:o)

been inundated with work. spent wed to sat, bout 30 hrs in all making coffee. but more importantly, i spent 30 hrs making MONEY. i get to practise my french a bit in a real setting so tt's pretty cool. someone gave me a $1.25 tip WOOHOO! but tt was after all us baristas had agreed to give the tips to charity. oh well, at least my charisma in customer service is gonna make someone's stomach fuller. can we assume the welfare organisation's are honest? two customers asked if my accent was australian. tt makes probably bout 10 pple who've asked me tt.

i don't think i really like him, but i could imagine good sex with him. {:oP TSK AmELiA! oh i just need to wax my fucking monster legs. but seriously, i'm attracted.

i called daddy friday night cos he had left me two voice msgs. (cheery voice)- hi melia, this is daddy again. ah.. i've been wanting to speak to you. how are you doing? write me an email or send me an sms... ok? er have you got enough money? you know... your draft, bank draft, has it been credited already? and pls make sure you get warm clothing ok? ... bye darling, bye, love you.

that really made me smile. and then i smiled even more in wonder, wondering how it's possible that hearing daddy's voice actually makes me happy. maybe cos i was happy hearing him happy. so i called daddy on fri night. he didn't sound terribly interested in anything i had to say. but then later he sounded a bit better when he told me bout jane's baby and the one month celebration. what's the baby's name? he didn't know the baby's name chuckle chuckle. oh, and then, grandpa moved out of the holland drive flat already and daddy got uncle chris to go back and get his stuff cos he wasn't free. orh ok. he wanted to go back and see granny's rm but grandpa had alreday given the keys back to hdb. sniffle. sniffle. sob sob sob SOB SOB. um um sniff gasp sniff.. sorry darling.. sob sob, ok you better go and sleep it's 2 something in the morning. gasp gasp gasp ok don't cry dad, i sniff sniff go with you nto visit granny when i come back ok? ok.... ok bye. bye dad... love you. ya bye darling love y- bye..


i'd never been sad in ottawa till then. i went down to get my clothes frm the dryer and tried not to cry. my eyes are red cos i'm just tired, i'd tell if anyone asked. came up, door open, i sang couting crows aloud while folding my clothes. i didn't know how to tell anyone. then kat came to say goodnight and i couldn't tahan anymore. i hugged her and busrt ito tears. then tyler and davin came and i got more hugs. and then eric came by later for my telephone guide and so i got another hug. i hadn't been that upset since the last time i spoke to lidong. and even now, when i think bout daddy crying and then apologising and me trying to swallow the tears, i feel them right behind my eyes and the tension in my neck and the pain welling up in my chest. i wish i could take the pain away from daddy's heart. i wish he didn't have to be so alone. i wish he didn't have to hide under a pile of office work just so he could take his mind off his dejected heart, his empty house, his forlorn self. if i didn't have a real father or real siblings and my mother died and my daughter hardly respected me and i lived all alone, i wouldn't feel very much like living. is it crazy to cry the way i'm crying now over this? oh god it makes me so upset. and i hate having to explain my red nose and eyes and my drole tête.

in happier news, i'm only working tmr evening this WHOLE week. wat a refreshing change. i'll have time to think, cook, eat, smoke, faire mes devoirs, and maybe even get more upset than i already am. we all need balance don't we. i realise i find comfort in cooking for pple i love. gratifying experiences give my life a lot of meaning.