i'm a caring person. this becomes a problem when it is mistaken for love. i hope i love dylan. he's willing to do this and that for me and for me only because i apparently make him a different person, presumably and evidently better than he used to be (taking the conventional sense of the word better). i can't say the same bout me. i'm happy with him most of the time, that's for sure. the 3letter word is good. -but i'm not going to change; not for anyone, not for him. it's not like i'm holding back consciously. i just don't feel compelled to change and so i won't. not for the better and hopefully not for the worse too. this, i feel, isn't doing the man justice.

i don't think i have self esteem problems in this area. it's just that i don't see myself coming across as very endearing when i'm in my anti social moods, which manifest more often than one would think possible. it bothers me a little bit that he is so determined to love me. it bothers me simply because i don't feel that same determination.


i just told dylan over the ph tt he shouldn't call so often. i need my space, i said. already that was difficult enough to break to him. why do i feel the need to drive pple away? why do i get bored so easily?