feeling pretty lousy bout myself tonight. and emo too.

went to church today cos i had to sing. and then dinner with the sat church bunch. but then they were talking bout lavi's wedding and they were choosing bridesmaids dresses and all that. and i felt really left out cos i was the only one there who wasn't a bridesmaid. of course, i only found out i wasn't gonna be one when she failed to ask me to pick my dress frm the bunch of sketches she had. i was actually waiting for her to ask. it would've looked kind of retarded if i went oh i like this one and then make her feel bad bout not asking me because, really, it's not anyone's fault she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. i'm kind of like tt half-fuck friend with this group, you know? it's not tt i dislike them or anything. it's just tt cos i'm caught up with vox and other things so i don't see them every week and i don't talk to them in between the few times i go back to church to sing. i guess i don't make the effort outside of my sporadic and random appearances at sat mass to keep up with wat's going on in their lives. nothing personal though.. it's just the way i am with all my friends. so i can't blame her if she thinks i'm kind of tidak apa in my commitment. i just kind of wish the situation wasn't like this because it kind of hurts. and all tt talk bout the wedding made me feel even more sore bout how i could've been getting married in the next two yrs but now i don't have anyone to marry cos my fucking bf decided to.. i can't even continue cos it's just all getting old and talking now doesn't seem to be making me feel better.

it all got me thinking tt maybe i need to be more sure when it comes to committing my time and emotions to a group of friends (and these i have more than i can handle, really). it's the same situation with my rcy friends i think. met up with them for old times sake and now i'm kind of thinking maybe i shouldn't have because i'm not really clicking with them and we don't enjoy the same things so i don't feel inclined to spend much time with them, and i don't think this is a one-sided thing. but at the same time, how the hell do you say nicely "i'd like to pull out pls because this seems to be going nowhere. we each got along quite nicely before this so i think you won't miss me anyway and i'm sorry but i won't miss you much either"?

ohmygod. maybe this is what dylan did to me. and you see? now i feel even worse bout wanting to pull out; what if they really do enjoy my company? i highly doubt it though. not tt i think i suck, but in terms of adding value to the group, i feel pretty redundant. why can't all my friendships be low-maintenance yet still highly-fulfilling? those are the best, really.

i think perhaps i spend a bit too much time trying to do things to keep other people happy.