was feeling pretty emo the whole evening. cant remember wat was going through my head, just remember feeling pretty out of it.

oh ok i recall a bit of it now.. family was discussing wat to get me for xmas and i said i needed nothing but then i thought bout it and i concluded to myself tt wat i really yearned for was a love life so i wouldn't feel so fucking bored. ok, it's not so i wont feel bored, really.. i guess i just appreciate tt kind of company. i wonder if i'll ever meet someone who'll fall in love with me when i'm at my worst. often pple a drawn to my manic aspect and then they kind of fail to realise tt the only way i can get so high is by falling really low.

this on the side: it frustrates me when men don't assert themselves when they're with me. then i feel subconsciously compelled to treat them like the pushovers they allow themselves to be. i find it almost impossible to translate such subservience (the giving in to me and apologising for lame insignificant things and all tt) as a sign of love/affection/watever. maybe it's their way of expressing it, but seriously, it's a real turn off. AND, i dont understand pple who try to make me less upset/tired/annoyed by saying: "don't be upset/tired/annoyed." how's tt even a solution or a consolation or a distraction?? in fact, it just reminds me of how upset/tired/annoyed i am and how insensitive you are to my plight and how crap you are at grasping the notion of emotions. what makes you think tt you can alleviate my plight by simply dictating how your wish of seeing me less upset/tired/annoyed? it works quite the opposite way, in fact. GAH! PET PEEEEEVE.