sometimes i think i'm becoming more and more mentally unstable. the day wasn't going too good, and then gimi msged and said asked to meet on wed instead of today. tt made me even more upset. upset in a familiar, depressive kind of way. i'm hoping tt it's just pms and not pregnancy. cos i missed my period and i've been feeeling kind of pregnant. yes, there is a feeling to it. i googled "pregnancy signs and symptoms" and some of the it matched wat i had.. heartburn, weighgain, fatigue, constipation, just "feeling pregnant"... and then right under each of the symptoms were the other possible causes of these things. and of course, every one of them had "premenstrual syndrome". tt REALLY helps, doesn't it? back to sq one; i'm either pregnant or having pms.

so anyway, back to my story.. jasmine and phylliss left ahead of me and daddy hadnt responded to my sms bout dinner so i walked round jurong pt listlessly. spent almost an hour mins in a korean sticker/stationery shop smaller than my bedroom, before settling on a 10$ pack of 6 small sheets of random indie-looking motifs. I had the incredible urge to indulge; my rationale is tt my moodiness warrants this aimless offering of expensive and unnecessary gifts to myself. tt was when i suddenly felt like one of those pple on oprah, plagued with bouts of irrationality. the dreadful day at school- my acting up and the painful classrm boredom - left me sinking into a pool of emo. i suddenly felt insecure again bout my non-relationship; i havent felt tt way the past couple of days so i thought i was clear already. apparently not. i keep having this awful nagging thought of him not meeting me today cos he's trying to avoid me so tt when he does decide this is over, it wont be so painful for me. because he is indeed very kind, this boy. and then i feel bad for thinking so negatively and not having enough faith in things. but pple always say they won't hurt and then they do so it's not easy to believe things last. i was annoyed at myself for being so insecure cos i get very annoyed with pple who let their insecurities get in the way of their functioning noramlly so; it's a form of egocentrism tt's such a turn off, really. anyhoo, as i walked aimlessly around the mall- spending another 46$ on a facemask, 100 capsules of primrose oil, a japanese vegetarian weiner, a box of cold jap sandwiches and 4 sachets of various bean/oat based powder drinks- i ruminated. i realised tt my emotons were just like a big fucking dick. yes- A BIG FUCKING DICK. when i become emo, my senses rush to the emo centre (heart? i duno, really..) and i can no longer think of anything else except my emotions. see? just like a man and his dickens.

i sat at a bench in the new interchange and devoured my sandwich. as i exited the mall, moved along by the throngs of shoppers and non-shoppers, i took out my earphones and realised how noisy it really was inside my head. i realised tt i had been thinking from the moment i got gimi's msg. not tt it was the only cause of my mood today but i guess i would consider it a catalyst.

daddy downstairs waiting for me to have dinner. laters.