i suddenly remember how i felt lying on my bed in currie hall, watching the specks of light dancing reflected off my mini discoballs that hung just under my spotlight above my bed; they were danced on the walls and on the ceiling, to the music in the background. the warm light filled the cold room and it was like me and the universe and a profound sadness and ecstacy all at once.

i wonder when i'll ever feel that way again. i wonder if it's because i am unfulfilled that i find myself hankering for times long gone. i wonder if anything good will come out of all this dreaming.


maybe i should become a nun. like a virgin, that's what i'd be.

say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?

the last few months of the year are always bittersweet for me. rainy - which i quite like - and chilly and windy enough for me to layer up and wear as many colours/patterns as i like in one getup. but it's lonely. oh, but wait- that's like nearly every day of my life for the last couple of years. lonely.  tough.

so i guess end of year is not tt special. the cold and the cloudiness makes my mind awake but leaves me wanting to hide under the covers, so that i am constantly and acutely aware that i have no one to get warm and toasty under the blanket with.


they say that you can't truly love someone and have them love you unless you know how to love yourself. i agree. but i am sick of loving just myself and not being loved by anybody else. and i certainly don't love my job enough to enjoy being fucked by it.

thank goodness i don't live in one of those places where it's cold and the days and nights are dark for half a year. i can't imagine feeling this deprived every single day for 6 straight months.