i am almost 10 pages away to finishing my bk- Life After God; douglas coupland.
since my birthday last week, i've been sort of floating through everything. i haven't been feeling lost or very pointedly listless, just a bit blissful (or rather, not melancholic). the way normal people feel ( - i think).

i had been feeling tt way till just now, when mummy told me tt i was getting wine-coloured roman blinds for my rm windows. i want those cosy grunge/70s looking cloth curtains - the ones that I had picked myself... and not some prudish-looking grandy stuff. -RGH! i'm so annoyed. why does my room have to look like the other bedrms? - all neat and square. i hate this orderly crap. i know i'm sounding like one of those dumb teens who just oppose evrything. but i just hate it tt mummy doesn't seem to get it.
i know don't always take change very well. especially change tt isn't initiated or anticipated by me. seemingly little things like getting our new car, moving hse, buying new furniture, changing handphone, fms office moving... stuff like tt - it's all so disconcerting. and i can't help but feel indignant and antagonised by change. when mummy said they were getting a divorce, i cried my eyes out - because we had to move house. i've always thought i regarded material stuff with some impertinence, but i've suddenly realised tt maybe its more impt to me than i think it is. maybe it's cos i feel that the material things i have become familiar with are the only tangible association i have with this world.

you know, i like reading on the mrt. and evry once in a while, i'd look up at everyone on the train and try to spot patterns - a row of pple wearing complimentary colours, or how every alternate person looks older than 60, or some other pattern like tt. then sometimes, i'd look at pple and try to imagine wat they had for breakfast, wat emotions they're experiencing now; are they married, are they secretly in love, where are they going now? then when i get off the train, i'll forget all the people whose breakfasts and whole lives i had secretly imagined. later, i wonder to myself: will our paths cross again? will i remember the face(s) which invoked the wonder tt enriched those 50 mins of my life?

i walked home frm 7-11 just now. and i was thinking tt maybe i'd prefer a son to a daughter. my kids will probably be slightly wonky up there, just like me. and i don't fancy seeing an exact replica of myself; it'll almost be like reliving my life. i know i always seem to want to do tt, but i don't think i'd be able to handle it if it really happened.