sometimes i feel this envy, an admiration for certain pple. i want to be like him/her, so i can be loved the way i want to be. or so i can live life the way i imagine he/she lives it. (no, no - not some movie star or some shit like tt. i mean ordinary pple - friends of friends or friends.) And it stirs a whirlpool of weirdsome emotions inside me; I could be like them or i could be with them. and the more i see or read these, the subjects of my desire, the more inferior i feel. and this inferiority becomes an impetus... more! more! i shout. i am so masochistic.

at night, i am addicted to non-sleep. in the day, i become narcoleptic. i want to slap myself on the bedcovers like sirloin and beat me. maybe then, i'd be more tender and less apathetic.

i'm not feeling really lonely like i do sometimes. but i do wonder wat difference it'd make if i had someone close now. i wonder and wander, further and deeper. my eyes, they can't shut. i'm beginning to really hate my voice.