i was wondering just now how i could put my voice to good use and still enjoy myself. i went to watch the soweto gospel choir sat aftrnn and they're really really good. i think i dont even come close. i was caught between feeling slightly lousy bout myself and feeling really mesmerised by their voices. so it all made me wonder wat i could do with my voice to make pple happy (other than not use it) and make myself happy too. maybe this feeling also cropped up cos i know tt today's the spore idol auditions and tt despite evryone egging me on to join, i've adamantly refused. well it's true tt i've had a hectic second-yr and i would not like to spend my well-deserved break in front of a camera, trying to please pple. i dont wanna cut an album anyway. i don't even really like the sound of my own voice; i just like using it.

so anyway, i'm feeling unfulfilled and blah-ish. the soweto choir praises God and stuff (tt's wat gospel choirs do, yes?) and to some extent, i wish i could do tt. yes, i am in the church choir. but i don't feel passionate the way they do. you know wat i mean? ya, so...
am i the only one who wonders wat it's like to live someone else's life? i want to run away for a few weeks and live on nothing but unrestrained impulse. i lack the money and the freedom to temporarily severe ties with pple without causing anyone to worry.
surely my kooky impulses have nothing to do with reading any book by douglas coupland..? i was a bit surprised and saddened when andrew said tt i'd sleep and wake up the next day and laugh at my silly idea. i don't happen to think it silly at all. i was just listening to Jane's Addiction's Natural Born Killers and thinking bout how nicky and mallory just lived it out. pple should be more like tt, at least for a small part of their lives.

i wanted to send someone pictures of pretty flowers i took at monet's garden in giverny. but then andrew went off and ravi hasnt been online in a while and neither has beda bhai. i know i could send pics to jing and my other girl friends. but sometimes i really appreciate the frank non-reaction guys tend to give. (however, i do get perturbed when peter just types "..." instead of saying anything. i like it when he gives me smileys though). i have my moods.

i've been wondering how i can attain enlightenment. i know it sounds corny but i really wonder. so i figured tt if i can't get it being catholic, maybe i should try another religion; become muslim or buddhist maybe? after all most religions worship the same god. the catholic mode of worship just isn't quite touching me at the core.

everytime i think of revolutionising part of my life, i feel tied down; like i'm dying to move on, but i can't. i have too many responsibilities, too many pple worrying bout me. it's good tt i'm loved, but i want to go somewhere to find myself.

i'm uncomfortable with the idea of joining some idol competition and then recording an album and have pple buy my voice and go home and listen to it. i like to hear a sound alone and then hear it coming together with different sounds to make an even more magical sound. maybe i should join/have a band. then i can also tour and use this as an excuse to get away and live life totally different (it's pathetic tt i even need an excuse, but if this is the only way, then watever...); sex, drugs, rock and roll hah who knows where i'll end up.

i have to see the chiropractor next wk. how am i going to live my free bohemian life when i have to go to the chiro every few mths? it's like i'm bound to this life. will there be another(life)? in my next life, i would like to learn ballet and i'd like to have a more functional container for to hold my soul. this one's notoriously-wonkified with a history of epilepsy, acne, asthma, eczema, scoliosis, throat infection and more recently, wonky knees. if i place my new orders early, got discount not?