when i was about 11, i wanted to believe in things i was never taught to believe in- santa claus, the tooth fairy, suchlike, suchlike. for a period of time, i'd put my tooth under my pillow and tell mummy, "The tooth fairy is coming to take my tooth and give me some money for it right?" "i dunno," she'd say nonchalantly, and i thought she was just pretending not to care because she didn't want to spoil the surprise. i even made the effort to make myself very tired so tt i wouldn't wake up while the 'tooth fairy' was leaving the money (i figured tt would've spoiled the magic). the next day i'd wake up to find my tooth right where i'd left it and no money or sweets in its place and i'd be extremely disappointed. i was just wishing someone would give me something to believe in, a piece of fantasy that i never knew. same thing went for the christmas stockings. i thought maybe mummy hung them on our door cos she wanted to play santa claus. of course, i'd wake up on christmas morning disillusioned by the tragic realisation tt in our hse, christmas stockings=decoration ONLY. i can't remember why i gave up.

i guess i still live like tt sometimes; sometimes i just want things to work so badly. i'd love for everything to be dreamy and shit. maybe melancholic and effecting. i can't remember if and when anyone's ever told me tt being a delusional idealist was wrong. not tt it would've mattered much. oh i wish i could be a real mountain tortoise. now wouldn't tt be fun. i'd traipse as slowly as i wanted round the boundless land and i'd be close to the flowers and the grassy smells and the sky would look much bigger than it does now. and when i'm in a wallowy mellowy mood, i could tuck my head in my house and be for a few moments careless and curt.

what if things just happened and we didn't have to burden ourselves with words and other undecidedly superfluous things? would tt then be liberating or just plain boring?

amelia, you seem to be under the impression tt your new-found elfish-nerdiness warrants such maverick idiosyncrasy. mm. mm.