i don't understand myself or my emotions. i've been crying my eyes out the past two days and i'm feeling drained and emotionally jaded. i know i'm selfish in the way i love. and sometimes the things you say make me feel like i'm not good enough and tt he's gonna leave me. and it aches so bad. but then maybe i deserve it because the reason i love him is tt i love to love him and i love the way he loves me. so tt ultimately makes me self indulgent and hedonistic, doesn't it? it's not his fault i'm delusional, but i really don't like being called dramatic. i've heard that accusation before - from a guy who once loved me.


my nerves are not in good shape. i came home to an unlocked door and unlocked gate and i pushed it open and called out to mama's maid who had stayed ove rhte night before. no answer. wat if she went out and left the gate unlocked and someone entered the hse? i stood at the door and trembled as i imagined the worst. finally ahwie came out of the toilet and claimed tt she had locked the door. fucking liar, i thought to myself then went round the hse, opening every single cupboard to make sure there were no strangers hiding anywhere.

:: Ordinary Morning - sheryl crow