there is an aura of moroseness around me tt i cannot seem to escape. i cannot understand why i'm feeling so sullen and i'm harbouring a grudge against nothing and everything and it's eating me inside out. just thinking bout how angry i am makes me angrier still. i am only surprised tt despite this abject hopelessness, i haven't really had the urge to hurt myself like i always do. except once two days ago when i hit the back of my head a couple of times with the showerhead. maybe i was trying to knock myself out, i can't remember. pain is good because it tells you you're alive; so tt if you want to be alive, you can be relieved; and if you want to be dead, you know you just have to try a little harder. i really wish i wasn't feeling so miserable. believe me i'm trying so hard to pull myself out of this bog.