i am ridden with guilt. i'm a terrible daughter. i cannot claim tt anything can warrant such behaviour without resulting in myself feeling sheepish for such pettiness. i told daddy like a thousand times (ok, fine - several times ok) tt if he plans to call me, he should msg me or email me at least a few hrs before so tt i can make sure i'm in my room to receive the call. but no, he'll just call at 10 something and then msg me to ask why i'm not in my room cos he just tried to call me. like why the fuck are you wasting your damn money. already you complain my course fees cost so much. then now you want me to spend more on my phone bill just so you can call me or so tt i can tell you i'm gonna call. like WTF ok.

just now rae was using my ph to call cherie's rm to ask bout enrolment and then daddy msgs yet AGAIN to tell me he just tried to call, with the implication tt i should call him back or reply with a message explaining why my phone was engaged. then i got rae to put down the ph but i hoped daddy wouldn't try calling again cos i knew i was fuming and if he called, i was just gonna scream into the receiver. but he did call. so i shouted at him for asking me questions i deem as stupid.

but i feel bad. i feel awful inside now cos every once in a while, i feel sorry for my father. daddy never knew who his father was. and then granny married 'Grandpa', who paid for daddy's education and all but never loved him as his own. and then daddy grw up and got married, confident tt all you needed for a happy marriage was a good job and maybe a couple of kids. unfortunately, his priorities were in tt same order. even more unfortunately, he married mummy, whose idea of a good marriage was a happy family and a man with a secure job (in tt order as well). and then i will not attempt to fill in what else went wrong simply because i don't even know the story myself. mummy said she'd tell if we ever wanted to know. but who am i to be so cruel as to ask questions whose answers will only cause our eyes to sweat? who wants to rock the boat when all's going smoothly. daddy is actually a good person. this sounds familiar and i think maybe it's cos i might have mentioned this in a previous post but oh well). he's got ideas tt he thinks will improve the world. he wants to improve singapore's transport system (don't laugh ok); he even drew up and did a proposal to someone an idea he had. and then he wants to do this and do tt. and he always gives money to pple who need it more than him. he's a good person but a bad father. or maybe he wasn't tt bad a father. just a regular dad with normal daddy problems at work, who had a normal bout of depression and a even more er, normal childhood. the only problem (and this is only what i i think it to be) is tt he is a lousy parent when juxtaposed beside mummy. and i feel a shitload of pity for him when i picture his expressionless face as he listens to my voice shouting at him on the other end of the line in a tone tt is a bit too familiar. i wish i would stop shouting like tt and yet i can hardly imagine it any other way.

shit, the last thing i need now is a good cry. there's too much work to do now so i'd better stop it right now.