:: Not Pretty Enough - kasey chambers

daddy was driving someone else's car - from cck cemetery cos we had just gone to visit granny - and i was sitting in the front seat. we cruised along some ulu highway with no buildings or any other cars nearby, so tt all tt was before me was dashboard, road, sky sky sky and more sky. i stared at the clouds and watched as the sun painted the sky pink, orange, purple, red. then this song came on. i wonder if everyone so readily associates pensiveness with melancholy with sadness the way i do. i sat entranced by the boundless beauty of billowy softness and wondered if heaven was just like tt. when i was a lot younger, someone told me tt 'heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace' and tt in heaven, we could all be young again and could do our favourite things for ever and ever and ever.

would tt mean tt if i made it, i'd be allowed to stare at clouds for ever? but would the view from up there be different? and if everyone became young again, how would i recognise granny? and nanny? and how young would i be? young like i was when i missed out on happiness? one time, i thought heaven was a field of flowers. what flowers then? sunflowers? i tried planting those once. but then we went out of the country for a while. then they died.

i've been having nightmares again. i hate it tt i remember the little details and the feeling sticks when i wake up. they seem so real. but it could be worse- they could be real.