:: Lost Without Your Love - bread

Merry Christmas.

your job this coming new year is to cherish what you have.

You don't realise how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you. don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours - pamelia's msn nickname. i know.. you've probably heard this before and go like oh quit being corny. but it couldn't come at a better time huh. the birthday boy is pretty good with scripts and cues, it seems. even the bread song was right on time on the radio. kudos, Jesus.

two weeks ago at the choir 'retreat', we talked bout patience. 'i'm too impatient with my bf, my sister, my father. it's always harder to be patient with those closest to you. i guess it's cos you expect them to know you better.' then i said a little prayer, asking God to help me with this patience thing.

i'm not implying tt God's just not being helpful. i guess it's just me. when will i ever learn? i'm lucky most of the pple i'm impatient with are family. at least they can't leave me even if they wanted to.

i've been wondering all day if what lidong said last night was true. if i didn't give a shit, how could we have lasted this long. i guess it's true that i've been taking more than giving. i won't deny not giving my all sometimes. i've been riding for free on this feel-good sensation. it's really a bit like tt movie the last kiss huh? you want me and i, well i just don't know what i want. or maybe, all i want is all i don't know.

it's not fair. how come i only get one life?

it would be very romantic to say to you now 'i've been thinking about you the whole day, since you told me last night that you wanted out, and i've been wanting to tell you i love you to bits and this is all just a misunderstanding; i'll love you for ever and ever and this will never happen again'. but i'm not a good liar and i'm an even worse catholic. not forgetting, i'm feeling like i'm the worst girlfriend in the world already; no need to prove anything more by lying.

the truth is i've been thinking about you. and me. and us. not in a cohesive, comprehensible manner. it's just all floating in my head and i can't make sense of any of it. and i've been trying all day to think of a string of happy times we've had together. why is it these things elude me? i'm sure we've shared more than a few good times, not even counting times we 'made love'. you always knew we wouldn't work huh? i kind of suspected too but i don't regret anything. we tried right? well, you tried.

the irony is tt i've been warning myself; keep this up and you're gonna lose him. stupid bitch, amelia.