:: So Young It Hurts - the hampdens


on the cusp of a relentless dissonance.

last night i told lidong bout how i've been feeling like shit cos of the thing bout daddy. and i cried. but much as i detest it all, i think i'm really like daddy: complain bout change, want things done the old way, want my children to grow up like i did.

at the back of my mind, and sometimes in the front, i imagine myself raising my children the way i was raised - without a father. it sounds selfish, but i want nothing more than for them to have the strength of character and acute discernment that i was forced to develop. i hate the way i think this way because i know it's so selfish. i've never told it to anyone before, this my secret instinctive desire. i told lidong. and i cried.

i know these are selfish thoughts. it's bittersweet; more and more i realise i'm more like my father and it's touching for me but much less so when i think bout the some of the ways we're similar.


i like to be driven.

at the back of my mind, and sometimes in the front, i've always known tt i like to be driven. everytime i find myself in the front passenger seat of a car - cruising or speeding - i feel empowered. like i'm greater than i usually am. it sounds stupid, but it makes me feel.. sexy, especially if the person driving the car is a guy. we drove out for supper just now and i noticed i felt like tt. must be tt deftones songs getting to my brain. roll the windows down, the cool night air is curious. let the whole world look in, who cares who sees anything... i'm your passenger.
(yeah, so why don't you just go ahead and fuck me silly).