sometimes i do or say things and then i feel bad. and it's usually when i'm all smug and feeling self-righteous and shit.

i don't know what i try to prove sometimes.

shana (12+) is in london visiting aunty peng and she was on msn. i asked her wat shes been u to. she replied "sightseeing... trying to have an accent"...

i was like "trying to have an accent"??? wth. hah. and then i tried to be helpful by providing reasons why she didnt have to or shouldn't "try to have an accent". ok, so i wasn't just trying to be helpful. i was also ranting and being a real anal bitch. i had to also add in how i hate it when sporeans try to do some stupid fake accent to impress duno who but end up being unintelligible to everyone. she said trying to fit in mah. so i told her: do you see any angmohs in singapore trying to speak like us? no. the scottish exchange students here dont try to speak aussie and neither do the americans or mauritians. and then she said that's true. and i felt so smug.

tt was all not so bad, till the nxt time she came online, and told me: you know, you're not photogenic at all (with ref to my new msn pic). i replied, and you are not really very tactful. and then she replied in what i imagined to be a very smart-ass tone: well i say what i need to say.

see i don't mind being told im not photogenic cos i'm not. but i fucking hate it when kids get all smartmouthed like that. so i tried to explain to her the beauty of euphemisms but to no avail. as a last resort, i gave the analogy of a very sensitive person being told she is fat and then consequently committing suicide. then you'd feel really bad, i told her, naively thinking to myself tt she'd finally gte my point.

but then she stopped talking to me altogether.
and then i felt bad. i thought bout what i said and i felt really bad. cos i knew that if i were her, i wouldn't talk to me anymore. or if i did talk to me, i'd do so with half the comfort level of before.

during the conversation, i remember i also remarked that she's just like her younger brother (whom she doesn't like very much)- never listen properly blablablah. and she made the :'( emoticon. but i just went on and on, my level of smugness boiling over slowly.

why is it my pr skills fail me sometimes? why am i so unforgiving and so fucking anal? how come i feel so listless? i remember the grudges i held against pple who spoke to me in tt smug way in secondary sch and i'm so afraid my cousin will never talk to me again. for all the talking tt i do, i only seem to be driving pple further away.

i feel like i have myself to blame for crap way i'm feeling bout lidong and me. it's probably firstly my fault for first talking to him and getting curious and getting his msn and blablablah.


...But who suffers more? edmen asked. The over-complicated one or the simple one?
The simpler one, i replied. He suffers without understanding the reasons why.


maybe ankit was right- i should not talk at all and just sing instead. which is a reasonable deal, since the latter seems to bring much more joy into this world.


:: Should I Leave - david charvet