just talked to lidong online. told him wat i was thinking bout the other day. how everytime i used to ask him where we were going or wat route we were going by, he'd brush me off and say "i know the way lah..." and then when we reach wherever, he's say something like "see we're here." like as if i didn't believe he knew the way. tt alwyas hurt me cos i never said i dind't trust him. i just wanted to know the way. the route is always shorter when you can anticipate it. you so clever you know the way, you cannot teach me so i can know is it? i was thinking bout this the other dya and i felt really sad tt he never understood how to get out of tt defensive mode to understand why i did the things i did.

and so i told him. it started off with him telling me he'd just joined tennis club and i lamented tt i never got to wtach him play tennis and tt i never really got to watch him do the things he enjoyed doing or to watch him enjoying himself. he replied tt i hated sports anyway and he always felt pressured to do well round me anyway. i was surprised tt up till now he still hadn't figured out tt i DON'T hate sports. i really enjoy badminton, and jogging and hassling other girls on the soccer pitch, and i always make it a point to watch the sea games and asian games and sometimes world cup too. i felt really misunderstood. i mean i don't even dislike sports. i said "you always assumed". maybe tt sounded antagonistic.

then i remembered wat i thought of the other day bout how he always thought i mistrusted him. so i told him everything. and he said "yeah so wat if we're talking about me, i'm not going to do anything about it cos u said its ur issue already, n i concur". (the other day i was telling him how i missed him and all but said i should solve it cos it's my own issue. that was my issue, yes, but this was soemthing else altogether but he didn't agree). then he said tt it was up to me if i didn't want to be his friend anymore. now tt made me upset. i didn't even mention anything like tt and i duno why he kept bringing it up. two or three times.

i told him and i said i'm just trying to realise tt if he was always going to be so defensive with pple, he wouldn't be able to see things frm a different view.

he: yes, the whole "i see the bigger picture" attitude... frankly, have u considered the reason y am so defensive is that u're so critical? that my mum is so critical. so i'm defensive ard both of u but not other ppl.. so who needs to change now?

why is it so difficult to make him understand? it's true i can be critical sometimes. but not when i'm asking him directions. not when i'm asking why he thinks some girl is cute. why doesn't he seem to see it? if i didn't care a shit bout him i think i wouldn't give a fuck wat he thought bout me. i wouldn't care if he thought i was mistrusting and unreasonably critical. i told you it was a fucking tragic story. i told you. and you know i don't just use words for no good reason. why am i so fucking upset. rgh. stop fucking crying.