All the more i want, all the more i need. And all the while, you want something more.

this would actually be a good time to start studying for linguistics. since i've found myself to be extensively academically productive when brooding.

i wonder why i keep destroying myself physically. i was really surprised when donis told me a few weeks back that i was wasting away. i knew i was losing weight but i didn't realise it was so extreme. then two mornites ago, heather looks at me and exclaims that i look like i'm wasting away. i'm a bit worried; at first it was a healthy kind of weight loss cos i was eating only what i cooked and hardly bought crappy caf food or junk. but now i just don't eat simply because i don't know what to cook cos i haven't planned my meals ahead of time or cos i wake up late and don't have time. now, i run my hands up and down my side and i can hear my knuckles grinding against my ribs.

i tripped for the first time today and it felt very strange. vietnamese tobacco at lucien's friend's hse after work. the guy who tried to feel me up at the club. it was very awkward especially when i first got to the house and the weird asian guy who tried to pick me up that night (and whom i kind of just walked away from) was also there.

:: Falling From Grace - the gentle waves

the awkward guy who tried to feel me up at the club made me feel uncomfortable from the very first time i met him because he had this "i have extremely low self-esteem" written all over him. i duno if it's just me, but i find it pretty obvious if someone has real low self-esteem because they just have this look on their face all the time. like they wanna say something but they don't wanna say it. and then sometimes their eyes dart around, trying to attune themselves to the general aura of the room but never really succeed. i find myself trying to avert my eyes from theirs because i always feel like they expect me to talk to them. very uncomfortable.

i remember claire was saying once, that tim told nuno that he thinks "silence is a sign of weakness". and then i realised maybe that was why every time there was a silence, he'd make hapless attempts at filling them, only succeeding in turning a beautiful silence into disjointed awkward moments. and then today, the awkward guy at the house told us "i don't silences". and it all clicked in my head. well, it wasn't that dramatic ike that- no clicking sound and shouts of eureka. but i certainly did feel like this was an important discovery to my informal intrapersonal discourse on human relations. why do silences make people who don't have a strong sense of self feel uncomfortable?


you know, i had fantasised about wat was gonna happen tonight cos i thought we were gonna get high together, just me and lucien. i should've known better not to expect. things are NEVER the way i expect them to be. does that only happen to me? i first realised this when in primary sch, zehzeh and mummy let me pick a movie, and i convinced them to go see broken down or break down or something like that, starring kurt russell. i said i thought it looked good and i genuinely expected it to be. zehzeh said it looked stupid and that it looked like it'd be crappy. so we ended up watching it anyway and i ended up being quite disappointed and very confused with myself. i wondered why it was that zehzeh's expectations turned out to be correct for her and for me, while mine was just wrong for everyone. from then on, i started mentally noting all the times things didn't turn out the way i expected them to and it truly was EVERY TIME. i guess after a while it didn't bother me. especially since things would work in my favour (like i'd expect to sing off-key during a concert but i end up performing really well). sometimes i'd try to expect the opposite of what i first expect so that i could be right for once but then tt would only confuse me. and then sometimes, like this mornite, i'd want so bad for things to work out that i'd expect them to. it doesn't bother me, the fact that once again, i'm wrong. but more so the fact that i ignored my own warning and chose to expect.

i'm losing my head, my heart, my sense of life. i don't feel like rolling no fucking stone up no fucking hill anymore. this sisyphus is losing it.