i wasn't feeling my best in NYC. the food and the general (lack of) social etiquette of service staff made me feel uneasy. katie kept chiding me for taking what she thought was an excessive number of pictures. and best or worst of all, i was lovesick; i thought of lucien and i couldn't breathe. i couldn't get him off of my mind. and the monday evening before ny too- when we decided to go to zak's after work. we locked up the store at almost 1am and then went to res so i could change and he had brought spare clothes too (goodness knows for wat.. but horniness cares not for clothing). he made himself comfortable in front of my laptop and he showed me some pictures of his town back in switz. i showed him davin and eric's room so he could compare it to emily's cool room and he ended up talking to andy there. at two plus, we walked in the cold to his place, having snowball fights on the way. i slammed the main door on my finger and got a blood blister. he held my hand to look at it then i asked if i hot or cold water would help soothe it and he replied that hot water would burn my hand and help the rest of it match the redness of the blister. i laughed because love is brutal and hurts so good. he turned down the lights and we sat on his sofa bed, channel-surfing his old school tv. if i wasn't hungry like i was, i would've suggested i stay the night cos he was saying he was tired. so we finally made it to zak's and our food came at 4, we ate and talked till 5. he told me i was the craziest girl he had ever met. "normal girls would be asleep at this time. a normal girl wouldn't be out having supper at 4am with some guy she knew from work". i never thought to question his knowledge of the normal girl but i'm stupid like that when i love. i said i'm strange and he asked why i didn't use 'special' instead. which one is better? i replied that strange would be like bizarre or étrange so i guess you could say i was special. he sneakily paid for my meal so i could have enough money to buy my zak's mug. we walked through the mc's and he stopped and stood in front of that traffic light between scotiabank and the scottish pub, listening to the christmas music emanating from i duno where. he held his arms out and asked me if i would like to dance. we held each other and he spun me round a couple of times and i was absolutely thrilled. that night, i felt way surer of myself than i had the night we went to chez nil-esteem-guy to smoke tuh-klao. i gave him a nice warm hug before we separated at besserer. i wondered why we didn't se bisous.

leely asked on tues evening why i hadnt slept and i told her i was at zak's with lucien till 5am. ok....... no more qns, she said and gave me one of her looks. i felt naughty and a strange kind of special, like maybe soon i'd be able to share my secret with the world and it'd be happy for me. wed evening- my second last shift ever- i scalded my left hand and lucien had to come help us close cos amanda had a broken wrist frm the week before, and with my scalded left hand, that made us a pair of (unwilling) hands (leely's), and two non-opposing hands. the following morning, we woke up early- me, lucien and amanda- to have brekky at cora's. lulu and i went to the international office to get our insurance cards and then to the med centre to have our burns checked.

that same night, after work, he told me he liked how 70% of our customers were girls. i was a bit taken aback. and then he said but it's not about girls, but girl.. and then he showed me how a certain celine had filled up his cell msg box. i walked home slowly into rez that night, confused. so he's with celine, he's after bettina, he flirts with me and he ogles all our female customers. and i wonder why that doesn't make me feel extra special.

i thought of him as i was walking dwn the street in ny and i felt sick with love.

first stop after the hostel was central park. after watching the early morning crowd, i decided to myself that if there was one thing i could be, it'd be a dog in central park; to bound in any direction or distance i pleased, to lick as much snow of the ground as i could, to be a fucking social whore with the other bitches. two days later, freezing in the queue for the ellis island ferry, i changed my mind. i wanted to be right then and there, a fat new york pigeon. then i'd get to wear snazzy dark pink shoes and a thick grey coat that would protect me from windchill.

this mornite (last night) florence came over and after leaving the 12th floor party which lucien had asked me to attend, we hung in my room, then took the lift dwn, only to get stuck in it for almost an hour. we'd been talking bout josh and how he was the guy florence had noticed the last time he was a customer. i wonder if he had really joined cos of me like he told me he did. florence also told me that during the weekend, one girl customer had asked about me and then told florence that she loved how i always gave good service. makes me proud of myself. i told her later that i liked lucien (which was a huge lie since i was more than obsessed) and i came painfully undone as she made me realise how well my perfect guy knew how to use his perfection. but then it's not like he had asked me to be a total sucker for him. i wonder what he goes through his mind when he does all this.



"Come on baby, make it hurt so good."


it's nearly 6am and i'm taking forever to write this because i keep falling asleep. time for bed, amelia.