just when i thought i'd run out of tears.

i don't know anymore.

i'm giving dylan's things to charity. some guy in the hall is going to bali with his gf for volunteer work and is asking for donations. i'm giving a bunch of my clothes, including my blue dylan shirt. tt i love so much. i think it will do me good to stop looking at it though. dylan's two shirts. his special edition Annie dvd. i'm sure the kids in bali will enjoy tt one. i'm not doing this out of spite; anyway dylan wouldn't have minded giving to a good cause. he always talked bout the time he did volunteer work in east timor. i felt bad giving away his dvd but i know he won't mind. he's like a little boy, dylan. and an escapist. tt's one of the reasons why we always needed row wow around. it was difficult for him to say sorry, it was difficult for him to be mushy, but row wow could do all tt cos she was a cute stuffed toy dog. she'd kick him when he said mean things to me, and she'd threaten not to share her food with him, and she'd kiss me and make it all ok. and when i think bout it sometimes, i feel the worst for row wow right now. imagine being a child caught in the middle of all this.. she'll have to deal with having a new momma row. will she be good to my little baby? it hurts.

one of the reasons why i loved dylan (and never told him bout) was tt i saw beneath his hardy exterior, a boy wanting to love, wanting to be loved, wanting to do just wat he wanted. sometimes he was mean, angry and curt but when he learned to accommodate me in his life, it was beautiful. because love is about compromise.. right? i really respected tt dylan never compromised his happiness for anything. but i guess tt's also why he's with someone else today. i wish it could've been me to make him the happiest in the world. it hurts.

i duno what hurts more. i see myself being able- though it will take a while- to come to terms with the fact that he left me because he was being true to himself. if this is indeed the way fate (see:God) will have it for him. but what pains me so much right now is tt he never bothered to tell me. not even through Row wow. maybe row wow was too busy crying. it's crazy tt he would think leaving without saying goodbye would be the best for me, assuming he spared me a thought. it's hard for me to come to terms with this, all while believing tt what we had was great and true and tt the promises he had made were honest ones in the time tt they were made. it's crudely dissonant. and it hurts.