i have a habit i think i may be able to do without. maybe it's more like a mechanism for testing patience levels of those round me. when i start feeling emotionally close to someone (regardless of whether or not i'm sure it's mutual), i start allowing myself to unleash my nonsense on them; my nonsense being excessive amounts of drivel, random petty tantrums and bouts of emo-ness. more often than not, and understandably so, this nonsense is not well-received. especially in the case where the feelings of closeness are but fruits of my delusion. the result is my feeling very lousy about myself.

i think i'm pleasant only from far. i push sincere, loyal pple away and always give in to the impulse to draw myself closer to newer and potentially more exciting pple and experiences. and then when i realise i'm not as new and exciting to them, i get disappointed. and i often learn how they feel the hard way since, i guess, there really isn't an easy way to receive a lashing for making a general annoyance of myself. at the same time, i can't help but feel like i deserve an apology for watever shit i get as a result of this.