alleluia - today, i cried.

i missed feeling. i cried cos had this tiff with my sister in th car and my mother was siding her and all. i always cry when i quarrel with them. but then instinctively, i forced myself to stop. and wiped away the tears like nothing happened. then i went to mama's hse. i'm a good actress. i think i'm pretty small-sized for someone who has a lot of things built-up inside. just a piece of advice to anyone reading this: don't hold in the tears. cos it hurts - it used to be just emotionally and mentally, but now it's physically too. i forced back the tears and i felt this pang in my neck and i could hear the pulse in my forehead; and i got a bit worried. then i thought, hey i might die young. but then i don't know why suddenly dying young didn't matter so much anymore. maybe i'll die of a stroke.

i've been forcing tears out of my eyes for weeks. been feeling so jaded and apathetic. then today, i finally cried, and forced it all back in. one word for this: ambivalence.
here's a song for us all... it's frm Bruce Almighty, which i saw on wed. but i'm not posing this song to you as a joke. it just works for me right now ok...

One of us
Joan Osborne

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to His face
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the Saints
And all the Prophets and...
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Tryin' to make His way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Just tryin' to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome