went to bed at 2, but my thoughts refused to let me. i don't know they're there till i try to sleep. so i tried to talk to God - the one i hoped i still believe in. i called out to him but the emptiness sucked my voice into the blur. i hate doubting God's existence, but i did. and i do. picked up my diary and made good use of my sleeplessness:

Amelia hated to cry.
Amelia wanted to love.
Amelia believed there was a God up above.

Amelia loved.
Amelia laughed.
Amelia believed in God above.

Amelia still loved.
Amelia cried.
Amelia thought her God had died.

Amelia had loved.
Amelia had cried.
Amelia's heart had now died.

Amelia stopped believing in God.

Amelia is me.
Amelia in you.
Amelia...
who?

~Copyright of Joaquin~

would you rather sleep deep or nightmare-filled? would you have your dreams if you willed?
why can't i choose? stop the imbalance. Life's my struggle, filled with malevolence.
so what would you choose? what would come after death, now that i can't find God? black. so dark.
last night in my thoughts i saw a lady screaming, her writhing hands flailing over her head. her despair terrified me. but i wonder why it should. maybe if i didn't think so much, i wouldn't know of such internal conflict.

oh, had a fun time i had yesterday; yilin, beatrice, gerianne, vien, karin - thanks you guys. i miss old times. yesterday was the most enjoyable minimal-purchase shopping trip i can remember. i'll go crazy if i write anymore. don't worry bout me, i'm not sad, just sickened with thoughts overflowing. i hope tonight will be kinder. amen.