friday morning, i saw a woman sweep a child into her arms, like the child was a doll. later on the mrt, another young woman carried her son, cradling him in her arms. he looked like a doll. i want a doll.

have i finally knocked it into my thick head tt no guy is worth caring about? certainly feels like it. i know tt many a friend has been saying give it up, but i guess i just needed time to learn it the hard way. good for me. does this mean i'll stop being anybody and nobody's angel, and start being my own bitch? i feel like tt.

i want a doll. i will cradle him in my arms, and when he's old enough, i'll walk him to Apple Tree (some nursery or kindygarten near my hse with cute sch uniforms) everyday. and after sch, he'll tell me bout his friends and he'll hug me and kiss me. i'll have something tt is truly mine.

i turn 18 today. karol's recent laments have reminded me that i've been missng out on something that i've been legal to engage in since 2 yrs ago. i won't deny tt i've considered it before; sometimes you love someone so much, you want to give your all.
fornication used to be a moral issue for me. but the past yr and a half has been the most revolutionary yr of my life. i just took everything in; it was experimental and exciting. i rethought my values and habits: discarded some, kept some, altered some. and i guess after it all, the issue of sex diminished in its own right, becoming just another small example of something i don't want to think too much bout anymore. when one day, i find the right person in the right circumstance, i don't think i'd stop myself. much as part of me refuses, i want to believe tt fairytale love is still possible.

i've been feeling tired past 5 days till now. i know the ill has taken toll on my body. eating is now an activity i do out of necessity. i've realised tt the easiest way to kill myself is probably to starve me slowly the way i've been doing. but i'll not have such ominous speak on my bday. i think i'll wish for 3 As this yr. or maybe a good reason to want to live.

Happy Birthday to me.
the calm is comforting this sweet morning. i'll be at karin's hse in less than 12 hrs to record my new song. vien will go too. long time since we hung out, karin. looking forward to slacking with you. {:o)