it feels so good to know all the pain wasn't for nothing and that despite feeling all fucked up and shitty inside tt week, i crapped out a fucking distinction. how come i always think my essays are shit when i read them before handing in? who gives a fuck now. ah-hah. fuck. tt's some good shit. to top off a feel-good exam. and i went grocery shopping with colin at broadway. new bath soap, new funny freshie friend, new brand of palak paneer, new feelings, new happy! makes me forget my swollen throat and pain wisdom tooth and lack of sleep. i think God should get some credit cos i asked him to let my exam go ok. thanks, God. {:oD
d'hier:
"i was sitting crosslegged on my bed hunched over my laptop today, listening to guy sebastian's angels brought me here on windows media player. after a while i stopped listening to the music cos i was mesmerised by the swirly electric visualisation thing. it was like a multicoloured blob of radiating pixels, with a line from the middle going round and round. it looked like a one-handed clock. i gawked at it and used my finger to follow it in the air in front of me and just doing that made me laugh.
i stepped out of myself and saw the way i laughed reminded me of arnie grape. and of the children i hung out with when mummy used to volunteer at margaret drive special sch. and a bit of jerald, one of the kids i taught in jan. and then i wondered why we had to put these kids in schs and teach them how to be more 'normal'. then i thought of how pple i know would react if they saw the way gawked and giggled at the things quite often when i'm alone. tt's not fair, i thought. why do i have to be normal like you if it means i have less fun?
then i felt bad bout the times i acted like all teacher-ish and told jerald to sit down and behave like the other kids instead of going off to the corner to mess round at the music corner or laugh excitedly to himself. wat a spoiler he must've thought me. it's not his fault his behaviour was 'disruptive'. and by this i dont mean 'it's not his fault he's born tt way'. i mean why should he be denied the sheer elation just because the rest of us don't know ourselves how to reach tt level of joy?
sometimes i wonder if my brain really went a bit awry when i had fits. it's really not tt i try to be different. i find myself acting like autistic sometimes and i don't even try, it comes naturally. maybe it's just idiosyncratic escapism. shouldn't be any different from an inclination to do sports or go on a holiday or binge, right?"
:: This Year's Love david gray
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