i wish i hadn't seen them. now it makes things very awkward in my head and i hope i don't subconsciously poison his dinner tmr. or later today, i mean. i shouldn't even have gotten interested in the first place. damn yoo donis for putting your ideas ideas into my head. am i jealous? yes i'm jealous cos i like that fucker. he is a cute fucker. but now he's a cute taken fucker. FUCK.

it feels a bit shitty inside. wore my new boots to go down and smoke cinnamon with the rest who went ahead of me and they had just come out of his room and i took the lift dwn with them and it was awkward; he didn't introduce us or anything. i duno why i expected him to. and then i ran ahead of them because i didn't want to be a lightbulb and i didn't want the rest to finish without me. i had my back facing the exit, the cinnamon between my lips and then heather and kat tried to be nice and provide me with live commentry: oh hey here he comes.. maybe they're just friends.. hey, he's looking at you, amelia!... oh shit they just kissed, now that's the end of your life. that was how the shitty feeling came about. and then i asked donis if he knew if youknowwho had a gf and he didn't have a clue. and i related the story to him and he was like are you jealous. fuck of course im fucking jealous. because i'm psycho. i feel so juvenile right now.