i wish i knew, karin.

i was on medication yesterday. walked round like a wide-eyed zombie, unblinking. then knocked out on my bed at daddy's hse for more than 12 hrs. i've been feeling very uncomfortable with myself since the last day of last year. happy new year. we start off with a dose of antihistamines and a little rehashing of past afflictions.

i was slightly afraid of coming back here. the last time i came back, i went to town and in one outing i bumped into five people i knew. i was afraid of that kind of luck. how was i gonna go downtown without running the risk of bumping into lidong, or his family, or any lidong-related acquaintances? but, watever. thanks to not having caller-id, i inadvertently answered two of his calls on new years eve (which i nervously but promptly hung up). he later msged me saying that he sortof figured i'd been hanging up on him and i should save his number so i wouldn't have to bother answering at all and hinted that if i decided to call him, we might have a conversation. that made me feel a bit bad- not for blatantly ignoring him, but for the fact that i hung up on him. he always hated that.


i've always been not very good at ignoring people. i didn't think it'd be too difficult this time. since i had nothing left to say to him since that last conversation we had. and after what he had said to me, i didn't think he was ever going to bother himself with me either.

"... n pls dun flatter urself, i dun care that much for u anymore, not enuff to form an opinion of u at least"

i thought of us a bit when i first got back. the way we were and everything. i was just being sentimental.. and/or horny/ovulating. and then i'd remember what he said and then it'd made me upset all over again. not angry upset or sad upset or even emo upset. just empty and confused upset. i've always believed that it's better to sort things out if it means making life more comfortable but i have nothing left to say and i cannot imagine what he would want to say to me now. i'm not sure if apologies would even matter right now (though i really cannot imagine him feeling sorry about anything he said to me). maybe it's just to talk?... talk? eh? i don't think i could concentrate. it still makes me cringe.

i don't know what to do with myself. i wish karin were here. i need a job.