:: So Young It Hurts - the hampdens


on the cusp of a relentless dissonance.

last night i told lidong bout how i've been feeling like shit cos of the thing bout daddy. and i cried. but much as i detest it all, i think i'm really like daddy: complain bout change, want things done the old way, want my children to grow up like i did.

at the back of my mind, and sometimes in the front, i imagine myself raising my children the way i was raised - without a father. it sounds selfish, but i want nothing more than for them to have the strength of character and acute discernment that i was forced to develop. i hate the way i think this way because i know it's so selfish. i've never told it to anyone before, this my secret instinctive desire. i told lidong. and i cried.

i know these are selfish thoughts. it's bittersweet; more and more i realise i'm more like my father and it's touching for me but much less so when i think bout the some of the ways we're similar.


i like to be driven.

at the back of my mind, and sometimes in the front, i've always known tt i like to be driven. everytime i find myself in the front passenger seat of a car - cruising or speeding - i feel empowered. like i'm greater than i usually am. it sounds stupid, but it makes me feel.. sexy, especially if the person driving the car is a guy. we drove out for supper just now and i noticed i felt like tt. must be tt deftones songs getting to my brain. roll the windows down, the cool night air is curious. let the whole world look in, who cares who sees anything... i'm your passenger.
(yeah, so why don't you just go ahead and fuck me silly).

:: Close to Me - the cure

saw sch of rock on dvd just now. if i have a band, i might call it The Preserves.. and then we'll just jam. hur hur hur... geddit? gehddit?

little birdy will be at o'day this friday. might go dwn and catch them with emma. neesha's party is also on friday.

so it's perth in less than 48 hours. if i'm excited, i can't tell... maybe only bout the krisworld movies. i hope my new mauritian neighbour knows how to appreciate cacophany. and pls don't let me have boring text for french lit. let there be lots of music making this sem! it's been hazy outside the hse and inside my head of late. i hope the air is clearer dwn under.
ok tt last sentence sounded a bit ambiguous. haha watever lah.

:: Song For Whoever - the beautiful south

just found out frm wikipedia tt fatboy slim was originally the bassist for the housemartins. hah. i always thought fatboy slim was american.

at daddy's hse again and he's starting to piss me off. i told him mummy drew bout 1k frm his acct to pay for zehzeh's insurance cos she got not enough money. (daddy doesn't pay zehzeh's insurance cos he says since they started it under mummy's name, it might as well remain tt way). then daddy said wat you mean not enough money (gives irritated look). tsk, not enough means not enough lah.

daddy: but i let her have most of the money when we sold the hse wat.

OK, LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. you don't want to fucking insure us, then don't expect anything in return. you think children come for free is it? and don't even mention the hse. tt was 7 yrs ago lah.

daddy: 250 000$ you know. how come now not enough money?
me: then, we buy new hse no need money ah? (our place costs bout 350 000+ bout 60 000cash)
daddy: ... uncle jeffrey?

oh gee thanks, dad. go ahead, have children and then expect other pple to pay for their housing, insurance and wat not. and don't forget, we have to use tt money for zehzeh's uni fees cos you didn't want to pay for tt (just cos zehzeh's education insurance thing is under mummy's name). then still need to pay lawyer's fees for divorce; mummy not working how to pay? sell backside ah?

me: uncle jeffrey is already also paying for his uncle's old folks home stay.

plus, he earns less than you. and mummy doesn't work (paid work, i mean). and she still gives angbaos all her nieces and nephews, including her cousins' kids and those from jb. while you, i suppose, are saving quite a bit of money since you just announced to me tt family tradition denotes that you don't give angbaos to nieces/nephews who are working but not yet married. you don't even give monthly money to grandpa (but the old foggy still gets gahmen pension so it's ok).

i'm utterly disappointed in you, dad. thought you were waking up your idea and making good.

i just saw a marching band funeral from my bedroom window. maybe i want one of those when i die. and i thought to myself: i don't think i'll get to see stuff like this much if i lived in some naik atas private estate. and then i reaffirmed my love for public housing- i want to be of the hoi polloi! it's the little things tt make me love singapore, you know. mm i know. tsk shut up. haha no you shut up!

dinner at churrascarria tmr. haha. i read from a makansutra review tt the meat is nice and fatty. oooooh goody goody goody. i miss my music. and my speakers.

i was just thinking to myself that daddy must think i'm such a little prick cos everytime he talks, i'll erupt with some why i think this gahmen policy is stupid or how come some pple got no common sense tirade. but i'm not a little prick. only sometimes. but this is only cos i am an avid supporter of the greater good and the apparently not-so-common sense. bah.

ok i dunno why the previous post has such large spaces in between the paragraphs. this new google-blogger thing is annoying. so anyway, i had to rush to bathe before mummy nagged at me the last time; here's the rest of the cheryl-in-spore adventure:

after having taking her to island creamery to try their pineapple tart icecream, we took a cab back to chez moi, where we lepak'd in front of the comp, then loh'd yu shang and had homecooked dinner, then lepak'd somemore in front of the tv. then zehzeh sent cheryl back to her jungle hotel haha.

wed, we met at tampines mrt and took went dwn to prinsep to have rochor tau huay and you char kway! i love rochor tau huay- and i'm not even a tau huay lover to begin with (means it's very good). then we checked out the new exhibition of swedish inventions at the national museum. i very proudly showed her the Living Galleries (free access after 6pm :P). Proudly cos i think the museum did a really good job with those galleries. in fact we got so carried away looking at them that we only left at 8.30. the initial plan was to let her try prata bom at simpang but we went to curry favor instead. i love tt stuff. ok so that's wat we did when cheryl visited. not bad considering we only had two days. come visit again, cheryl!

we went to see granny today. happy belated anniversary, Granny. tmr: dinner at popeye's chicken with dur-gala and the kawan maan. did i tell you i cried like a 10-yr-old when i stubbed my toe yesterday? yah well i did. guess what happened today, i stubbed it again- at o'briens. what shit luck right? mummy and uncle jeffrey are convinced that cutting off my toe with garden shears will do the trick. zehzeh says this has something to do with the parents watching too much of prison break; but i wouldn't know. picked up an issue of HYPE at island creamery. i still think my last-page funny was the funniest. heh.

so.. no more work. no more kids. i'm still sick from watever it is they gave me though.

rammed my toe again today. baby toe on the left. poor baby toe. so fucking painful, just like the other two times. today's was the result of my leg involuntarily swinging towards my drawers, then-wAAAP. the first time i can't remember. the second time, was bout two weeks ago when i was walking into the kitchen; my whole body went in, save for baby toe. poor poor baby toe. why do you keep getting left behind? it's not like you're not munted enough..

dinner was good ole refried leftover roast chicken with onions with nandos hot sauce. and rice. and refried leftover shao1rou4 with blacksauce.

eczema has attacked again. now around my belly button too (??!!). i think it must be something to do with the incurable cough i'm having.

i handwrote a long entry the other day but been too lazy to to it here. oh well.





this morning was theresa and darren's wedding but i didn't go cos i can't sing anyway and i didn't feel well enough to get out of bed. in fact, i didn't even go to church. which means i have to go tmr- blurgh.





caught up with two days' worth of ST news and classifieds. the french stall is hiring. tsk, just when i have go back to perth. hope they're hiring when i get back. i don't actually know when i'm coming back though.





what will it be like when i go back to uni? hopefully not all jaded like in np second yr. i wonder how daily is. hah will she have an aussie accent by now?


who'll be on my floor? exchange students maybe? what texts we gonna do for french lit?





met the kampuchea bc for a bbq at ming's. marinated lamb chops, wings, and shelled prawns, farhan's mum's indian-style beehoon, ikan bakar, bananas with marshmallows and hersheys chocchips.. wah gourmet stuff. then got picked up by yusof, and dropped with baby at geylang to meet his friends. here's wat i had at yong he beancurd stall:

salty tau huay: tau huay, you char kway, szechuan veggie, hei bee, vinegar, sesame oil. ugh, i didn't like. but at least now i know. oh well.

saw karol online today. didn't get to ask her bout her sch but i heard from some others she's enjoying it ok. wonder what it'll be like without her across me in the hall.

cheryl came up to spore. she didn't plan on shopping much, which was just as well cos we didn't have much time. so we ONLY... had tempura don at wasabe-tei, walked the whole of far east level one, went to taka for a while, took a bus to serene ctr to return the dvds i borrowed and to have pineapple tart ice cream.

:: Young Folks - peter, bjorn & john

mm bizarre but not bad.