i wasn't feeling my best in NYC. the food and the general (lack of) social etiquette of service staff made me feel uneasy. katie kept chiding me for taking what she thought was an excessive number of pictures. and best or worst of all, i was lovesick; i thought of lucien and i couldn't breathe. i couldn't get him off of my mind. and the monday evening before ny too- when we decided to go to zak's after work. we locked up the store at almost 1am and then went to res so i could change and he had brought spare clothes too (goodness knows for wat.. but horniness cares not for clothing). he made himself comfortable in front of my laptop and he showed me some pictures of his town back in switz. i showed him davin and eric's room so he could compare it to emily's cool room and he ended up talking to andy there. at two plus, we walked in the cold to his place, having snowball fights on the way. i slammed the main door on my finger and got a blood blister. he held my hand to look at it then i asked if i hot or cold water would help soothe it and he replied that hot water would burn my hand and help the rest of it match the redness of the blister. i laughed because love is brutal and hurts so good. he turned down the lights and we sat on his sofa bed, channel-surfing his old school tv. if i wasn't hungry like i was, i would've suggested i stay the night cos he was saying he was tired. so we finally made it to zak's and our food came at 4, we ate and talked till 5. he told me i was the craziest girl he had ever met. "normal girls would be asleep at this time. a normal girl wouldn't be out having supper at 4am with some guy she knew from work". i never thought to question his knowledge of the normal girl but i'm stupid like that when i love. i said i'm strange and he asked why i didn't use 'special' instead. which one is better? i replied that strange would be like bizarre or étrange so i guess you could say i was special. he sneakily paid for my meal so i could have enough money to buy my zak's mug. we walked through the mc's and he stopped and stood in front of that traffic light between scotiabank and the scottish pub, listening to the christmas music emanating from i duno where. he held his arms out and asked me if i would like to dance. we held each other and he spun me round a couple of times and i was absolutely thrilled. that night, i felt way surer of myself than i had the night we went to chez nil-esteem-guy to smoke tuh-klao. i gave him a nice warm hug before we separated at besserer. i wondered why we didn't se bisous.

leely asked on tues evening why i hadnt slept and i told her i was at zak's with lucien till 5am. ok....... no more qns, she said and gave me one of her looks. i felt naughty and a strange kind of special, like maybe soon i'd be able to share my secret with the world and it'd be happy for me. wed evening- my second last shift ever- i scalded my left hand and lucien had to come help us close cos amanda had a broken wrist frm the week before, and with my scalded left hand, that made us a pair of (unwilling) hands (leely's), and two non-opposing hands. the following morning, we woke up early- me, lucien and amanda- to have brekky at cora's. lulu and i went to the international office to get our insurance cards and then to the med centre to have our burns checked.

that same night, after work, he told me he liked how 70% of our customers were girls. i was a bit taken aback. and then he said but it's not about girls, but girl.. and then he showed me how a certain celine had filled up his cell msg box. i walked home slowly into rez that night, confused. so he's with celine, he's after bettina, he flirts with me and he ogles all our female customers. and i wonder why that doesn't make me feel extra special.

i thought of him as i was walking dwn the street in ny and i felt sick with love.

first stop after the hostel was central park. after watching the early morning crowd, i decided to myself that if there was one thing i could be, it'd be a dog in central park; to bound in any direction or distance i pleased, to lick as much snow of the ground as i could, to be a fucking social whore with the other bitches. two days later, freezing in the queue for the ellis island ferry, i changed my mind. i wanted to be right then and there, a fat new york pigeon. then i'd get to wear snazzy dark pink shoes and a thick grey coat that would protect me from windchill.

this mornite (last night) florence came over and after leaving the 12th floor party which lucien had asked me to attend, we hung in my room, then took the lift dwn, only to get stuck in it for almost an hour. we'd been talking bout josh and how he was the guy florence had noticed the last time he was a customer. i wonder if he had really joined cos of me like he told me he did. florence also told me that during the weekend, one girl customer had asked about me and then told florence that she loved how i always gave good service. makes me proud of myself. i told her later that i liked lucien (which was a huge lie since i was more than obsessed) and i came painfully undone as she made me realise how well my perfect guy knew how to use his perfection. but then it's not like he had asked me to be a total sucker for him. i wonder what he goes through his mind when he does all this.



"Come on baby, make it hurt so good."


it's nearly 6am and i'm taking forever to write this because i keep falling asleep. time for bed, amelia.

All the more i want, all the more i need. And all the while, you want something more.

this would actually be a good time to start studying for linguistics. since i've found myself to be extensively academically productive when brooding.

i wonder why i keep destroying myself physically. i was really surprised when donis told me a few weeks back that i was wasting away. i knew i was losing weight but i didn't realise it was so extreme. then two mornites ago, heather looks at me and exclaims that i look like i'm wasting away. i'm a bit worried; at first it was a healthy kind of weight loss cos i was eating only what i cooked and hardly bought crappy caf food or junk. but now i just don't eat simply because i don't know what to cook cos i haven't planned my meals ahead of time or cos i wake up late and don't have time. now, i run my hands up and down my side and i can hear my knuckles grinding against my ribs.

i tripped for the first time today and it felt very strange. vietnamese tobacco at lucien's friend's hse after work. the guy who tried to feel me up at the club. it was very awkward especially when i first got to the house and the weird asian guy who tried to pick me up that night (and whom i kind of just walked away from) was also there.

:: Falling From Grace - the gentle waves

the awkward guy who tried to feel me up at the club made me feel uncomfortable from the very first time i met him because he had this "i have extremely low self-esteem" written all over him. i duno if it's just me, but i find it pretty obvious if someone has real low self-esteem because they just have this look on their face all the time. like they wanna say something but they don't wanna say it. and then sometimes their eyes dart around, trying to attune themselves to the general aura of the room but never really succeed. i find myself trying to avert my eyes from theirs because i always feel like they expect me to talk to them. very uncomfortable.

i remember claire was saying once, that tim told nuno that he thinks "silence is a sign of weakness". and then i realised maybe that was why every time there was a silence, he'd make hapless attempts at filling them, only succeeding in turning a beautiful silence into disjointed awkward moments. and then today, the awkward guy at the house told us "i don't silences". and it all clicked in my head. well, it wasn't that dramatic ike that- no clicking sound and shouts of eureka. but i certainly did feel like this was an important discovery to my informal intrapersonal discourse on human relations. why do silences make people who don't have a strong sense of self feel uncomfortable?


you know, i had fantasised about wat was gonna happen tonight cos i thought we were gonna get high together, just me and lucien. i should've known better not to expect. things are NEVER the way i expect them to be. does that only happen to me? i first realised this when in primary sch, zehzeh and mummy let me pick a movie, and i convinced them to go see broken down or break down or something like that, starring kurt russell. i said i thought it looked good and i genuinely expected it to be. zehzeh said it looked stupid and that it looked like it'd be crappy. so we ended up watching it anyway and i ended up being quite disappointed and very confused with myself. i wondered why it was that zehzeh's expectations turned out to be correct for her and for me, while mine was just wrong for everyone. from then on, i started mentally noting all the times things didn't turn out the way i expected them to and it truly was EVERY TIME. i guess after a while it didn't bother me. especially since things would work in my favour (like i'd expect to sing off-key during a concert but i end up performing really well). sometimes i'd try to expect the opposite of what i first expect so that i could be right for once but then tt would only confuse me. and then sometimes, like this mornite, i'd want so bad for things to work out that i'd expect them to. it doesn't bother me, the fact that once again, i'm wrong. but more so the fact that i ignored my own warning and chose to expect.

i'm losing my head, my heart, my sense of life. i don't feel like rolling no fucking stone up no fucking hill anymore. this sisyphus is losing it.

i know i have a tendency to become slightly obsessed. today i laughed so hard. he's so funny i can't fucking help it. i had shitloads of fun at work today with emily and lucien. i so know i'm gonna miss working there. i'm gonna miss flirting there as well. haha.

:: Strange and Beautiful - aqualung

i like this playlist i made for myself. mes chansons apaisants.

i'm glad i went for the party in the end cos i did end up enjoying myself. cept when lucien's flatmate's friend tried to feel me up on the dance floor and when the strange asian guy tried to chat me up. the birthday boy and birthday girl were so smashed they couldn't stand up without help even before we reached the club. kat thinks i tried to touch his ass when i was helping him to Foundation haha. i didn't touch his ass and i didn't try, but it was just nice standing so close to him. even though i knew the only reason he was pulling me closer was cos it was a fucking -12 and he was trying not to turn into an alcohol popsicle.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

i had this whole fantasy going on, you know? haha. i'd go to the party and he'd pull me aside and profess his love for me, whispering into my ear. and then we'd wait for everyone else to leave before making sweet love on his couch/bed/watever. oh wat a night! haha. but then i got my fucking period, and then he got fucking drunk. not to mention, he mumbled his feelings for some french girl while me and some other girl were helping him to the club. very nice. i should've been dramatic and let go off him while we were crossing the rd, start screaming and wailing in the middle of rideau and make a huge scene. haha. i think too much. but wat am i thinking? i'm not a worthwhile investment, really. 20 days and we'll probably never see each other again (cept on facebook maybe). i feel a bit foolish now. a little love makes a fool out of everyone. i wish he'd be a fool for me, if only for 20 days.

work tomorrow.

oh ya, billy was up on our floor yesterday and we kind of decided to go busking together in front of the mall or at the market some time soon. i'm really excited and hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those things i say i'm gonna do but end up not doing.

je vais aller à NYC avec angelique et katie. je voulais vraiment que lucien and florence puisse nous joindre mais ils seront pas disponible. i guess we can never have everything, can we? since i was younger (duno when), i'd always hoped that each time i suffered or each time my wishes didn't come true, someone else's situation would be ameliorated. you know, kind of like, God can't grant everyone's wishes at the same time. so if not getting my wish means that someone else is getting theirs, then i'm fine with that. like how when i miss the bus, i think to myself that maybe someone on that bus prayed for it to go faster so they wouldn't be late for work. it's good that nothing is in vain.

... still, i am but a fool for love.