watch out or she be kicking you in a balls!!! HAHA.

jam jam jam jam jam jam - yeah!!!

we're a bit out of form but we managed anyway and it was fun and we tried some new stuff at a new studio so yay!

next week: new term --> new, exciting happenings? dunno. guess so. hope so.

:: Drive - the cars


the other day at a sch function, the very opinionated counsellor was telling everyone at the table how highly she thought of me and how i should go and get a bf cos later got no time and it's such a waste ah and why don't i introduce a nice boy to you blablablah. "er... it's ok lah. no need.. i'll just consider myself married to the sch. in fact maybe i should become a nun.. then can leave late and come in early cos i'll have nowhere to go anyway. mm ya. ha. ha. ha." said i to which she replied insistently tt it was a waste and this kind of thing cannot joke- no time no time.

but i guess though most pple i meet like me for who they know me as, i'm not the easiest person to love, at least not for the longterm. so i'll just love my kids cos i know at least tt my love is going to make a difference to someone. it's not wasteful if no one else needs my love anyway, right? unless you know of a place where i can buy the life i envisioned for myself off the shelf without having to sell my soul. sometimes it bothers me to think about my own future; teaching gives me the chance to think bout someone else's instead.

:: The Hype - the hampdens

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live
I breathe
I let it rain on me
I sleep
I wake
I try hard not to break
I crave
I love
I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh
I feel
I make believe it's real
I fall
I freeze
I pray down on my knees
I hope
I stand,
I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?

:: Am I Not Pretty Enough - kasey chambers


feeling insecure again. why does this have to happen every month?! fuck. menstrual moods never did do me no favours {:o(

wah, just saw some posb-sponsored ad bout family. can really relate to tt...

i wonder wat mama is doing in london now. aunty g told us she had convinced her to go and stay with london aunty for a while, since her lease for the condo was ending soon anyway. aunty g smsed everyone to tell them and said something like "i think it would be a nice to give her a call to wish her all the best before she leaves". i didn't do tt of course. and i don't hink anyone in my hse did. sometimes i feel sorry for her, you know. but then she always has to do something to make me regret feeling sorry. and i don't like regretting.

speaking of ancestors and annoying relatives, i've just got back frm my sort of motherland early this morning. i wouldn't say i enjoyred the trip very much, but at the same time i didn't dislike it. the best part was the reaching there and the leaving. i think i just like to be at a different place sometimes. mm... wat else.. the dinner on the last night was quite nice. got to meet daddy's beijing cousins and one wife and one daughter. they were the nicest cina-nese pple we met on the WHOLE trip. on the way back frm dinner, zehzeh kept saying wat cute old pple they were and i said: tt's cos we havent seen them spit out of their car window yet; we prob won't think they're as cute after tt. and we all had a nice chuckle about it.

PROMISE I'LL BE KIND



Not sure what it means
But this photo of us
It don't have a price
Ready for those flashing lights

it suddenly dawned on me on the train home tt i already am tt crazy bag lady i talk about all the time. i lug a motherload of emotional baggage in my heart and all i'm doing about it is getting used to the weight. if i want to be allowed onto the elevator tt will bring me greater emotional heights, i'm gonna need to throw out some of the things that i'm done using. i'll prob still be crazy, but without all the unnecessary anxiety. corny as it sounds, i think this epiphany is going to liberate me. i pray it's not too late.

feeling pretty terrible right now. i thought i needed to be honest and tell him how insecure i was when he was away, and tt i was afraid he was gonna go off and never come back. it was really bothering me to the point where i couldn't think bout anything else anymore. so i told the truth because i felt he needed to know tt i am truly a stupid basketcase sometimes. i guess i'm not being very fair. i thought more than a year was enough to help me move on. and i did move on but somehow i've backtracked into a stupid rut of insecurity. how did we get here, amelia?

now ive had a cry about it, i'm thinking ok great maybe i can now concentrate a bit more and think straight. but i fucked up already. terribly. and sorrys are not gonna be able to undo jackshit. i'm sorry, gimi. i love you like more than a good friend and it's not fair of me to expect more from you than you're ready to give. and i need to let go of these things tt are dragging me down. {:o(

i have problems trusting pple nowadays even when i want to. maybe i think too much. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

:: No More I Love Yous - annie lennox

one week to concert and my throat is beginning to act up even more. over the past week, i've mysteriously sustained numerous physical hurts: multiple scratches on my forearms, a bruise on my upper arms, scratches on my shin. and then yesterday, i bumped my knee against a seat on the bus, and now i have a bruise right on top of the three burn lines i got from my last ipl couple weeks back. in class yesterday, i noticed two small indentations on my knuckle. was trying to figure out where they came from then i realised they were toothmarks. i had been subconsciously biting myself just 2 mins before i noticed the marks. almost seems as if my body is bent on discreetly trying to kill myself. i went to see the doctor again today. nabei fuck of all days to do it, a public holiday. but i had to; i finished the anti-inflammatory i got from last wk's dr and my throat seems to be getting worse and my chest felt tight this morning. so anyways, this new dr i saw today was really annoying. first thing she did was shove her icecream stick right to the back of my throat. of course i tensed up... you don't need to actually prod my tonsils to see them, right?? then she did it several times until i gagged on her. can i help it i'm not linda lovelace? a left with- among other things- a box of 5 antibiotic tablets which cost a whopping 45$. insane. it'd better cure me for life, man. on the way out i bumped my knee again. it then occured to me how much of a liability i am to myself and others. i was perusing the indications leaflet in the antibiotic box just now and dsicovered tt such broad-spectrum antibiotics have been "shown to cause lesions in the cartilage of the weight bearing joints of immature animals". could it be tt my joint probs a result of having taken a silly amount of antibios my whole life? how fucking unfortunate. sometimes i'm not so sure it's better to be alive. last night, while sitting on my bed ruminating, i thought bout how strongly my emotions manifest themselves as physical afflictions on my already ailing body. why am i such an emotional basket case? i'm always in some kind of emotional pickle... you'd think i'd have learnt to steer clear of relationships by now but oh well. i've even recently scaled to an even higher peak of emotional neediness. well done, amelia. well done.

:: Wait It Out - imogen heap

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
the endless in between?
Are we just going to wait it out?