the sky had been groaning for a while but the rain only started to descend as i was putting the phone down. literally, man. i looked out the window, the phone almost touching the receiver i watched in amusement as the leaves started to quiver strangely, like in a timelapse documentary. part of the strangeness was from the fact that each leaf moved by itself, sporadically and only in sync with itself. the air was still and so the branches were still and the only movement was the leaves quivering, like... a bit like many many many medium-sized green butterflies being random the way butterflies always seem to be. i thought i had to write it down, in case i forgot.
:: How Soon Is Now - morrissey (playing in my head)
you shut your mouth
how can you say i go about things the wrong way?
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does.
it's not even 11.46 in the morning and i'm up. this seems to be the reason why the view outside my window looks a bit different today (despite the fact that the sky has been overcast all day for the past few days). smells diff too. i smell nostalgia. and the phlegm stuck at the back of my throat.
when i'm feeling good and calm like tt, i'm always afraid to change my environment for fear of losing this feeling. i just switched on the heater and even this makes me worry. why do things like tt make a difference to me?
i still haven't gotten a job. tt cheapo looking place said they'd hire me on the spot but i'm kind of unwilling to give up my time right now. guess i shouldve asked them when i first got back cos i was so much free-er then. ive not been very good to keeping within my means this sem. not tt ive been spending often. the most worth it thing ive done this sem is probably pilates. it's one of the reasons i'm not free for a job but it also makes me feel good. (oh ya, i forgot to tell you, yesterday i found my butt *wooohoo!*. at ifrst i thought it was just cos i was arching my back too mcuh btu i found tt even when i didn't arch my back, my butt stuck out, glowing with newfound perkiness. thank you, pilates instructor. sounds lame but (or.. buTT hur hur..) i was really pleased with this. esp since this makes it easier for clothes to fit nicely and i can actually sEE where my $90 went to.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
MEH.
edward just informed me he's moving out next sem. i'm kind of surprised and i think a little upset too. because i feel like despite having known him for only 3 months we're like real good friends (my perception) and we get along really well. plus, alex is moving out too.
was on my way to church when i felt a surge of blood rush to my chest. the kind of feeling you get when you hear bad news and you can literally feel your heart sink. and then i felt like i was going to start sobbing uncontrollably. fuck you, mood swing, FUCK YOU. fucking period. it's so frustrating when these emotions overwhelm me cos i don't have anything to be really sad about yet i feel like crying and i don't even know why. and it really gets me down. and it's really draining. i came back, had dinner and then knocked out for almost four hours.
well i guess i have something to be upset bout now tt two of my favourite boys are moving out frm hall. maybe my heart is clairvoyant.
wat is a deictic centre?
"A deictic center is a reference point in relation to which a deictic expression is to be interpreted."
wah soooooooooo FUUUUUCKING helpful. i hate it when pple don't answer my questions. pet peeve.
i told dylan we shouldn't have sex every single day that he is here (when he is here). i cannot imagine having enough energy. and i don't want the novelty of it to wear off. plus, if we know we're gonna do it every night, then it becomes predictable and might become (oh my, pls no) a bane. dahling says agreed. now i'm excited haha. cos now i won't know which days he's gonna grab me from behind and make sweet love to me. our rd trip just got a little more exciting. hah.
i've been doing ok in my work. good grades, in fact (for french only) but i'm not confident i'll pass cos the biggies looming ahead also happen to be the toughies. bonne chance, moi. merci, j'en ai vraiment besoin.
edward just informed me he's moving out next sem. i'm kind of surprised and i think a little upset too. because i feel like despite having known him for only 3 months we're like real good friends (my perception) and we get along really well. plus, alex is moving out too.
was on my way to church when i felt a surge of blood rush to my chest. the kind of feeling you get when you hear bad news and you can literally feel your heart sink. and then i felt like i was going to start sobbing uncontrollably. fuck you, mood swing, FUCK YOU. fucking period. it's so frustrating when these emotions overwhelm me cos i don't have anything to be really sad about yet i feel like crying and i don't even know why. and it really gets me down. and it's really draining. i came back, had dinner and then knocked out for almost four hours.
well i guess i have something to be upset bout now tt two of my favourite boys are moving out frm hall. maybe my heart is clairvoyant.
wat is a deictic centre?
"A deictic center is a reference point in relation to which a deictic expression is to be interpreted."
wah soooooooooo FUUUUUCKING helpful. i hate it when pple don't answer my questions. pet peeve.
i told dylan we shouldn't have sex every single day that he is here (when he is here). i cannot imagine having enough energy. and i don't want the novelty of it to wear off. plus, if we know we're gonna do it every night, then it becomes predictable and might become (oh my, pls no) a bane. dahling says agreed. now i'm excited haha. cos now i won't know which days he's gonna grab me from behind and make sweet love to me. our rd trip just got a little more exciting. hah.
i've been doing ok in my work. good grades, in fact (for french only) but i'm not confident i'll pass cos the biggies looming ahead also happen to be the toughies. bonne chance, moi. merci, j'en ai vraiment besoin.
Monday, April 28, 2008
winamp was on random play last week when this song came on:
There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...
You are my real Prince Charmin'
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin'
And each time you're around
My body keeps stalin'
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'
There's an underside to you
That so many adore
Aside from your temper
Everything else secure
You're good for me, baby
Oh that, I'm sure
Over and over again
I want more
You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely
ifor some reason, i happened to be listening to the words. timing seems to be a big thing in this relationship and i like how this song came up and said everything i needed to say. needless ot say i got so excited i msned dylan and pasted the lyrics into the window. i know, you could say it's just coincidence but i choose to believe otherwise. i dont think anyone can imagine how much the words truly describe the way i feel bout him.
and i think i like where this relationship is going. i dont wanna let go i don't wanna let go i don't wanna let go.
There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...
You are my real Prince Charmin'
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin'
And each time you're around
My body keeps stalin'
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'
There's an underside to you
That so many adore
Aside from your temper
Everything else secure
You're good for me, baby
Oh that, I'm sure
Over and over again
I want more
You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely
ifor some reason, i happened to be listening to the words. timing seems to be a big thing in this relationship and i like how this song came up and said everything i needed to say. needless ot say i got so excited i msned dylan and pasted the lyrics into the window. i know, you could say it's just coincidence but i choose to believe otherwise. i dont think anyone can imagine how much the words truly describe the way i feel bout him.
and i think i like where this relationship is going. i dont wanna let go i don't wanna let go i don't wanna let go.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
:: So Sorry - feist
i can hear the raindrops starting to slap against the leaves on the hibsicus tree outside. harder then softer then harder again; the rain is indecisive. or maybe it means to be that way. we duno. and it's stopped now.
since the last time i spoke to you, dylan has been divulging details of his family life as slowly as he feels comfortable to. knowing tt he grew up in a similar environment has made me feel closer to him. made me more certain that he understands my pain and also made me understand why he thinks the way he thinks and acts the way he does. makes me not regret being with lidong cos having tt relationship has made me appreciate the way dylan and i think the same way about family, the way we understand each others' priorities. i imagine tt i'd never be able to be this appreciative if i hadn't been with lidong because dylan is almost everything tt lidong is not.
it's uncanny how we had so many near misses- both of us had worked with wilderness A but just a few months apart. he wanted to u-dub and would've stayed in currie hall if he did but all tt didn't materialise. can only imagine where else we might have met in the past. it was a nearly a miss at the inncrowd- he was spposed to stay with the hostel for only a yr but ended hanging round for 2 yrs- and then i came along. God's pretty good with timing, we both agree.
we've had some pretty fiery disputes. and i duno how many times i've cried. cos i feel all messed up inside when he gets angry. it fucks me up and it makes me want to hurt myself, which i did when he was here. it makes me die inside like how i felt like i did when mummmy and daddy fought. but me and dylan, we'll be ok because we want to be. and we don't wanna be like the parents. i hope i didn't just jinx it by saying it out.
i'm not used to saying i love you and really really meaning it. maybe this is a good time to learn.
Wait, my open eyes are sorry now
You and me are in this together
I cry, I cry cos you're not here at all
I cannot be the only one
a little misunderstanding on msn. i don't have time for this- i need to do my ilectures and the fucking assignmt. bathing is also on the list i guess. and sleeping too. i don't like it when dylan is angry cos it makes me feel fucked up insde even though it's not his fault i feel this way. i wish we could call each other and talk bout it and then he'd turn up at my door and we'd hug real tight. and then we'd lie in bed together and i'd show him how my fingers dance to music and then we'd fall asleep, nice and warm. fuck you, hmwk, fuck you.
i can hear the raindrops starting to slap against the leaves on the hibsicus tree outside. harder then softer then harder again; the rain is indecisive. or maybe it means to be that way. we duno. and it's stopped now.
since the last time i spoke to you, dylan has been divulging details of his family life as slowly as he feels comfortable to. knowing tt he grew up in a similar environment has made me feel closer to him. made me more certain that he understands my pain and also made me understand why he thinks the way he thinks and acts the way he does. makes me not regret being with lidong cos having tt relationship has made me appreciate the way dylan and i think the same way about family, the way we understand each others' priorities. i imagine tt i'd never be able to be this appreciative if i hadn't been with lidong because dylan is almost everything tt lidong is not.
it's uncanny how we had so many near misses- both of us had worked with wilderness A but just a few months apart. he wanted to u-dub and would've stayed in currie hall if he did but all tt didn't materialise. can only imagine where else we might have met in the past. it was a nearly a miss at the inncrowd- he was spposed to stay with the hostel for only a yr but ended hanging round for 2 yrs- and then i came along. God's pretty good with timing, we both agree.
we've had some pretty fiery disputes. and i duno how many times i've cried. cos i feel all messed up inside when he gets angry. it fucks me up and it makes me want to hurt myself, which i did when he was here. it makes me die inside like how i felt like i did when mummmy and daddy fought. but me and dylan, we'll be ok because we want to be. and we don't wanna be like the parents. i hope i didn't just jinx it by saying it out.
i'm not used to saying i love you and really really meaning it. maybe this is a good time to learn.
Wait, my open eyes are sorry now
You and me are in this together
I cry, I cry cos you're not here at all
I cannot be the only one
a little misunderstanding on msn. i don't have time for this- i need to do my ilectures and the fucking assignmt. bathing is also on the list i guess. and sleeping too. i don't like it when dylan is angry cos it makes me feel fucked up insde even though it's not his fault i feel this way. i wish we could call each other and talk bout it and then he'd turn up at my door and we'd hug real tight. and then we'd lie in bed together and i'd show him how my fingers dance to music and then we'd fall asleep, nice and warm. fuck you, hmwk, fuck you.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
i'm a caring person. this becomes a problem when it is mistaken for love. i hope i love dylan. he's willing to do this and that for me and for me only because i apparently make him a different person, presumably and evidently better than he used to be (taking the conventional sense of the word better). i can't say the same bout me. i'm happy with him most of the time, that's for sure. the 3letter word is good. -but i'm not going to change; not for anyone, not for him. it's not like i'm holding back consciously. i just don't feel compelled to change and so i won't. not for the better and hopefully not for the worse too. this, i feel, isn't doing the man justice.
i don't think i have self esteem problems in this area. it's just that i don't see myself coming across as very endearing when i'm in my anti social moods, which manifest more often than one would think possible. it bothers me a little bit that he is so determined to love me. it bothers me simply because i don't feel that same determination.
i just told dylan over the ph tt he shouldn't call so often. i need my space, i said. already that was difficult enough to break to him. why do i feel the need to drive pple away? why do i get bored so easily?
i don't think i have self esteem problems in this area. it's just that i don't see myself coming across as very endearing when i'm in my anti social moods, which manifest more often than one would think possible. it bothers me a little bit that he is so determined to love me. it bothers me simply because i don't feel that same determination.
i just told dylan over the ph tt he shouldn't call so often. i need my space, i said. already that was difficult enough to break to him. why do i feel the need to drive pple away? why do i get bored so easily?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
lots of work to do tonight. prep for french tute tmr.
waxed legs and hehe today. hahahahahahahaa HEHE.
dylan's eta tmr: 2205
our eta: throughout the whole fucking night {;oP
in other news, i had lunch with maan today.
we- dylan and i - are gonna watch miss saigon and annie and the freo street fest. i'm afraid to expect too much because things never turn out good when i expect them to. so i will just do my french and try not to anticipate anything.
i have a wanderlust problem. i hope this is curable. this boy wants me for life and i don't want to let him down.
waxed legs and hehe today. hahahahahahahaa HEHE.
dylan's eta tmr: 2205
our eta: throughout the whole fucking night {;oP
in other news, i had lunch with maan today.
we- dylan and i - are gonna watch miss saigon and annie and the freo street fest. i'm afraid to expect too much because things never turn out good when i expect them to. so i will just do my french and try not to anticipate anything.
i have a wanderlust problem. i hope this is curable. this boy wants me for life and i don't want to let him down.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
:: Gravity - sarah bareilles
it was a good day, today. well, yesterday technically. dylan gave me the wake up call i asked for and i managed to make it down for brekfast at 9.25. nice. had a nice brekfast chat with the morning people and then went back up to make my bed and took a leisurely shower.
went to school early to try and get the fren2215 Atlas text (no stock still) then went for semantics and then french. cept for sporadic zone out moments during french, my attention span was tiptop and of this i'm extremely proud. good job, amelia. why, thank you.
lunched at currie, then went with siwei to sign up for ceroc. and then meet ravi at the guild to buy our polsci bks. i can't believe i'm doing this again. overloading and being yaya. but i don't like letting go of things tt i've already started so oh well, plato here we come.
came back and napped with my door open as usual and then got woken up by the guys calling me frm across the hallway. i love my currie guys. haha what would i do without them, really?
then ceroc, then dinner at the girls' again. very shiok. never disappointing. i'm so lucky to have great friends.
today was a day i loved. i felt alive.
on a different note, i so did not appreciate the shit durga pulled on me while she was visiting. i wish i hadn't even met up with her in the first place. sometimes i wonder why i put up with nonsense like tt.
dylan has been so extremely accommodating and loving. once in a while, i feel i don't deserve it. this mornite i'm feeling a little like i'm missing melancholy. i guess i am pretty fucked up like tt eh? who wouldn't want to be eternally happy? i thought i wanted all tt but now tt i've found someone who takes this much pleasure in making sure i'm happy comfy safe and so very loved, i'm beginning to miss the feeling of pain wrenching my heart.
i don't think it's fair to dylan that i feel this way. it's extremely selfish cos i'm totally ruining his plans. i'm afraid i'll run out of love. when i was younger and dumber and more passionate and in love with andrew, i felt in my heart an eternal love which i'm afraid has now evaded my instincts.
i'm always afraid that if i have ugly or intellectually or emotionally impaired children, i'm going to run out of love. no, even when i have normal children, i can't guarantee i'll like them much. i know i know, if you squeeze something out of your cb like tt, how can you feel nothing yes? but i'm having trouble phathoming myself in love with anything for long. i told this to dylan and i think it upset him. he said i shouldn't talk like tt. wat is it these men expect of me? (not a rhetorical qn.) i know dylan says he doesn't expect anything. he wants all of me- good mood bad mood fat thin bitchy sweet watever. he says he has his moods too and we both know he can be nasty and all. but i know beneath all tt, he's not self-ish the way i am. he says he'll give up diving for me. but i could never give up my self-indulgent melancholy-addiction and my bouts of reckless hedonism. i feel sorry for him and i know i shouldn't. sometimes i ask myself if i love him. and i think i do but it's not the kind of deep deep unhealthy heartwrenching love i would prefer to feel. it's not him, it's just me; i think we're extremely compatible and that makes me feel always at home with him and it's reassuring. in other words, he's good for me, he's what i need. not forgetting, our undeniable mutual urge to copulate and make babies. but i duno if he's what i want. it somehow feels like i've lost capacity to love deeply like i wish i could. it's like tt with the pple who love me.
tell me it's just the distance. pls let it be the distance. this is upsetting me. i was gonna call him but i guess i won't do it now. i'm a terrible princess.
it was a good day, today. well, yesterday technically. dylan gave me the wake up call i asked for and i managed to make it down for brekfast at 9.25. nice. had a nice brekfast chat with the morning people and then went back up to make my bed and took a leisurely shower.
went to school early to try and get the fren2215 Atlas text (no stock still) then went for semantics and then french. cept for sporadic zone out moments during french, my attention span was tiptop and of this i'm extremely proud. good job, amelia. why, thank you.
lunched at currie, then went with siwei to sign up for ceroc. and then meet ravi at the guild to buy our polsci bks. i can't believe i'm doing this again. overloading and being yaya. but i don't like letting go of things tt i've already started so oh well, plato here we come.
came back and napped with my door open as usual and then got woken up by the guys calling me frm across the hallway. i love my currie guys. haha what would i do without them, really?
then ceroc, then dinner at the girls' again. very shiok. never disappointing. i'm so lucky to have great friends.
today was a day i loved. i felt alive.
on a different note, i so did not appreciate the shit durga pulled on me while she was visiting. i wish i hadn't even met up with her in the first place. sometimes i wonder why i put up with nonsense like tt.
dylan has been so extremely accommodating and loving. once in a while, i feel i don't deserve it. this mornite i'm feeling a little like i'm missing melancholy. i guess i am pretty fucked up like tt eh? who wouldn't want to be eternally happy? i thought i wanted all tt but now tt i've found someone who takes this much pleasure in making sure i'm happy comfy safe and so very loved, i'm beginning to miss the feeling of pain wrenching my heart.
i don't think it's fair to dylan that i feel this way. it's extremely selfish cos i'm totally ruining his plans. i'm afraid i'll run out of love. when i was younger and dumber and more passionate and in love with andrew, i felt in my heart an eternal love which i'm afraid has now evaded my instincts.
i'm always afraid that if i have ugly or intellectually or emotionally impaired children, i'm going to run out of love. no, even when i have normal children, i can't guarantee i'll like them much. i know i know, if you squeeze something out of your cb like tt, how can you feel nothing yes? but i'm having trouble phathoming myself in love with anything for long. i told this to dylan and i think it upset him. he said i shouldn't talk like tt. wat is it these men expect of me? (not a rhetorical qn.) i know dylan says he doesn't expect anything. he wants all of me- good mood bad mood fat thin bitchy sweet watever. he says he has his moods too and we both know he can be nasty and all. but i know beneath all tt, he's not self-ish the way i am. he says he'll give up diving for me. but i could never give up my self-indulgent melancholy-addiction and my bouts of reckless hedonism. i feel sorry for him and i know i shouldn't. sometimes i ask myself if i love him. and i think i do but it's not the kind of deep deep unhealthy heartwrenching love i would prefer to feel. it's not him, it's just me; i think we're extremely compatible and that makes me feel always at home with him and it's reassuring. in other words, he's good for me, he's what i need. not forgetting, our undeniable mutual urge to copulate and make babies. but i duno if he's what i want. it somehow feels like i've lost capacity to love deeply like i wish i could. it's like tt with the pple who love me.
tell me it's just the distance. pls let it be the distance. this is upsetting me. i was gonna call him but i guess i won't do it now. i'm a terrible princess.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
DYLAN
i like the way you say alright
without pronouncing R.
the way you hold me close at night
and tell me i'm your shining star.
i love your ego
i love your jokes
i even love the way you smoke
it made laugh so hard, the way you shook
when you met my parents.
you're so cute, i hope you know
(tt's one of your many talents).
you make me dance, you make me prance
you make me wanna kiss you
you always make me blush with your i love yous and i miss yous.
the way your eyes smile when you laugh at the silly things i say
the way you talk dirty, and the way you make me feel so purty.
you're so patient and sweet and loving with me
i can't even believe it.
i always feel at home with you
i love you, love you to bits.
i like the way you say alright
without pronouncing R.
the way you hold me close at night
and tell me i'm your shining star.
i love your ego
i love your jokes
i even love the way you smoke
it made laugh so hard, the way you shook
when you met my parents.
you're so cute, i hope you know
(tt's one of your many talents).
you make me dance, you make me prance
you make me wanna kiss you
you always make me blush with your i love yous and i miss yous.
the way your eyes smile when you laugh at the silly things i say
the way you talk dirty, and the way you make me feel so purty.
you're so patient and sweet and loving with me
i can't even believe it.
i always feel at home with you
i love you, love you to bits.