i'm getting very upset over so many things these past few days. so many things, tt i don't even know where to start. i have to find a way to make myself productive and emotionally gratified because if i don't i'm just gonna keep getting upset and become even sicker than i already am and i'll probably die of an asthma attack cos my ventolin inhaler is expired and can feel an asthma attack creeping in. i think it's one of the most exasperating ways to die. because there is so much oxygen around and i try and i try to take it in but my body refuses to let me and there's nothing i or anyone else can do. i don't wanna die tonight. i'd be really upset if i had to die without having children. and it'd be really sad to know tt my last meal was currie hall dinner. tragic... i know.

i wish the doctor gave me some medicine today. i've been getting itchy rashes on random parts of my torso for the past few weeks and now i have flu-like symptoms. i waited half an hr at the uni med ctr only to have the dr tell me tt i have two viral infections, but she can't do anything bout it so just eat fruits and take panadols. how bout my delirium? will panadol cure tt too? when i'm lying in bed and it's noisy outside, i feel agitated and i start to imagine things and when i fall half asleep, i get nightmares i can't escape from. and it really gets to me; when i wake up, it takes at least a couple of hours to feel functional again. sometimes i wish pple wouldn't think i'm just being strange when i tell them these things.

i was awoken this morning again by the sound of wat i now think is the rubbish truck (again, since this happened before on another random morning in the random past). actually i was awoken by the sound of what i thought was someone having sex. it sounded like a girl orgasing (i say it's a word, so it is. besides, orgasming sounds as ridiculous and if i'm gonna say something ridiculous, it might as well be more original)... by the way, it's not like i woke up because i wanted to carry on listening to someone have sex; the fact that i woke up to a sound and tt sound happened to resemble a cry of sexual pleasure (pain?) is a complete coincidence. anyway, so i was lying under my blanket for the longest time, with my eyes closed, trying to figure out if it was **** and ****** cos after all, ramadan is already over... and i then i thought how it was amazing tt pple could have so much energy in the morning and then i thought again (since i've thought it before): oh no... i wonder what the upstairs neighbours must've been thinking when dylan was here since me and him are quite noisy... then i thought maybe tt's why they're not giving a fuck tt i can hear them- they must be taking revenge! and then i realised tt it might be the rubbish truck in the tomy more driveway/carpark tt was making all tt whining and groaning. and then i thought again (since i've thought it before) how amazing it was that a lot of things (and pple) sounded like a lot of other things (and other pple) and our reality of what is making wat sound is all in our mind. like how i once heard footsteps in the dark and had to stand there for a long while before i finally decided that it was the sound of rainwater dripping off the roof. and then i thought bout zac's ridiculously huge effects pedal tt he showed us last night (and by effects pedal, i do mean effects pedal, and nothing else) and how he had painted some pedals a different primary colour each and how it resembled the kind of little tykes toy tt emitted a different animal sound with the push of each button. and zac used his effects pedal (i really do mean effects pedal) together with his guitar to make the sound of an trumpeting elephant. it was really cool. it was so cool i made him do it again. and then at tt point i opened my eyes and looked at my hp and realised it was 8.38am and suddenly i heard little henry the vacuum cleaner. and i sighed cos i'd just wasted some 10 mins thinking bout sex and rubbish trucks and trumpeting elephants when i could've tried to catch more sleep before little henry came to zoopzoop my room floor.

dylan just smsed me a real emo msg and then i panicked and went on msn to see if he was online then i called him. i know something is wrong but he's refusing to tell me cos he says i need to concentrate on my work and all that. i guess he doesn't realise not telling me is making me worry more. maybe tt's why i can't concentrate on my work- cos we have an affinity between us and if he's feeling down i feel down too even when i don't know he's feeling down. am i clear? i suddenly feel like i'm speaking gibberish.

at lunch today limin was just talking bout some couple who found out that they were actually half siblings; both their mothers had used sperm from the same donor. and limin was like: but didn't they suspect something when they met since they both had the same coloured hair, same allergies blablah. and then i thought bout dylan and me. i'd be soooo upset if we couldn't have kids cos we were found to be related. and i thought bout my unusually-extended family (since mummy's father had another family whom i've neevr met and daddy's father was some rich man wholeft granny before daddy was born cos his first wife didn't approve of her or something). the only way i want to be related to dylan is by marriage.

God i rreeally neeed unearthly help if i'm gonna graduate this sem.

oh my god! daily just called me! haha so cute. she said she really misses me. she's still teaching english grammar at a language sch in korea and (this is really funny...) she gives her students english nicknames and apparently AMELIA is a very popular name haha. she also uses Alfred, Rae and Zhong Yu (i guess she doesn't realise this isn't really an eng name...). how cute anyways. ah, so proud of her.. my first eng student. it was really nice to hear from her.

there's some fireworks nonsense going on in kings park and its kind of giving me goosebumps. sounds like bombs going off and makes me think bout all those war videos we had to wtach in sec sch. *shudder*

sometimes i get that deja vu feeling.. just like that (<--- click). God knows why...

mais merde alors... kest-ce k'il est banal, le journal de singapour! c tjrs la même chose, hein. et où est-elle, mon action?? on devrait partager l'argent, non? ou a-t-il déjà été fiché dans le cul de qqn? ah?



:: Raphaël - carla bruni

when i'm emotionally riled up the way i am now and have a motherload of sch work to do, i have trouble deciding if the emotions are getting in the way of my work or the work is getting in the way of my emotions. a confusion of priorities.

i know i should be thankful tt i have time to get angry. if you really think about it, not everyone has tt luxury. sometimes being this lucky (blessed?) makes me nervous. will i wake up one day and find it all gone? though if it all went to someone deserving (in a kind of pass the parcel kind of way), i wouldn't be so devastated. or would i?

i hate it when someone says to me "but tt's life, what" in an attempt to make an excuse for why man-made things can't be changed. so just don't help pple who are suffering in the war lah.. tt's life what, no? change unfair government policies? but how to? - tt's just life what?

if someone died of a heart attack and i was mourning and you told me: "but shit hey tt's life". i might beat the shit out of you for your lack of tact but at the back of my mind i'll know you're right; we can try all we could but everyone dies because death does not discriminate. But, if you told me something like i'm dumber cos i'm (insert race/ethnicity here) and that's good reason for you to be racist against me "but tt's life, wat", i can safely say that i will beat the shit out of you and i won't stop until your eyes are hanging out of their sockets and your blood has produced a beautiful piece of impressionist artwork on the ground.

i hope i've made my point. you bloody ass-sucking bitch.

:: Consequence - the notwist

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
I'm not in this movie
I'm not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
You're not in this movie
You're not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.


just saw love guru hah. and the funniest part for me was actually justin timberlakes pretty accurate quebecois accent. totally reminds me of fabienne. hah. this song reminds me of ottawa cos i first heard it on radioblogclub one night sitting in my room stoning and fantasising bout weknowwho.

tonight's nice. i got some music readings done in the comp lab just now. only two weeks' worth but a good start i guess. better than no start at all, ya? it's quiet this week, and calm tonight. the last of the credits are rolling off the screen, and i hear malcolm's 'i'm back....'. hah. it's nice here, you know? like, in this set, i mean. i could live like this forever. i've got one younger brother (malcolm) and one older brother (joe), and the part-time brothers geoff and alex. and then there's edward. and then janan. like a happy family. i wonder sometimes why i feel so comfortable hanging with guys (more so than with girls). i feel safe and i really like this, you know? i hope things won't change even when dylan and i get married. i've never actually hung out with the guys while dylan is around. so i dunno how it'll all work out.

God, please protect my baby and keep him safe till we meet again.

ah.. the notwist.

ODD SPOTS. (courtesy of libra invisible regular pads)

Vintage port takes 40 years to reach maturity.

Around four billion litres of petroleum is consumed throughout the world each day.

Blype is the name given to skin that peels off after sunburn.

The largest pumpkin ever grown recorded a weight of 482kg.

A lungfish can live out of water in suspended animation for three years.

Propotionately, Earth's atmosphere is thinner than the skin of an apple.

Road runner has only been caught by Wile E. Coyote once, on 21 May 1980.

Bananas grow on plants that are giant herbs, and are related to the lily and orchid family.



:: the music coming from quresh's and jj's rms upstairs


dylan is reaching land next tues. and then he'll be able to call me. i find myself excited bout this. maybe this is what they mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. i like it how i seem to be discovering all the clichés of what they call true love. it's scary but so addictive. but not addictive in the unhealthy adolescent obsessive or sexual way tt i've only ever experienced before all this. i love dylan. {:o))))


i kind of like this semester even though i don't feel very hopeful bout it academically. lots of events. lots of hanging out with the guys. which is fun and lighthearted but meaningful at the same time. no major emo distractions. a good dose of activities- outside of the usual academic nonsense; and they're all firsts too. yay! haha. like the french play i went for with erika and nadya, the city-to-surf marathon, the 'warming' of our set yesterday, jamming with ze band, being a subject for HM and psyc experiments, learning to play mahjong at dan's, or just being busy round the kitchen making apple chips and other random experiments. and tmr i'm going to ina's place in mt lawley for an oxfam morning tea. haha i'm so excited.





long time no see cheryl and even longer time no see karin. time's passing a lot faster now tt the assignmts have come in and this means good things and bad. i duno wat my point is right now.

i'm looking up applications for busking right now. gotta think of ways to raise money so we can build a music room for the hall. i'm beginning to regret signing up for pilates cos i duno if i'll have time to make my money worth. but then again, there's always time, if you bother to set some aside.

:: I Sing I Swim - seabear (on nad's blog)

let's have a little direction, shall we? i don't realise sometimes how good i have it. the better you have it, the worse it can get; because the higher you are, the further you can fall. i have to do my shit good so i can make time to help others in need.