:: Soul Sister - train

i want this affinity to never end. is tt asking too much? sometimes i think bout the things i've consciously wanted for my life and how much of tt i've actually got and i feel like telling myself: it's ok, there's still time. i guess tt's true, but at the same time, it isn't. i wanted to get married by 25, so i could have time to revel in married life and work here and there, then have kids not too late.. before 30. then stop work and be a hsewife and do the things i like, otot. but now i have to deal with the fact tt it's not gonna happen quite like tt. i am not obssessive; the very fact tt i'm resigned to "dealing with it" says tt i'm not gonna force myself to rush into anything just so i can fulfil my ambitions. yet occasionally, when it dawns upon me tt i have have only one life to live (every time it dawns upon me, i feel dismayed, as if i'm knowing it for the first time. this is because i am forgetful and usually forget things i already know.). so it is true tt life passes you by real quick. when i was 15 or 16, i thought pple were just trying to be patronising when they told me tp appreciate my youth. at tt age, you feel like you've got so much time- oh i didn't get do this or tt... nehmind lah, can do next time. next time next time. if i say i felt like tt now, i'd be fooling myself. so... wat's the point of this? nothing, i guess. well done, amelia... you rant about having not enough time yet you sit here moping bout it, knowing full well tt facing a screen almost always makes real time move forward 6000times quicker.

blablablah.

---
alors... où va-t-on? je voudrais savoir ce dont tu pensais. parce que moi, j'ose pas d'y penser. ce sont trop pénibles, les possibilités. mais non, non, pas de pression.. je ne que me demandais.

---
daddy always complains tt he has chest pains, difficulty breathing blablah. ask him to see dr, he goes ya ya i should. but we both know he'll never make time to go. i have meetings to attend. i'm expecting a call from someone in the office in india/the us/hk. even though i know i pull this same nonsense all the time (i.e. making excuses to avoid things i know i should do asap, while complaining tt probs don't get solved), it frustrates me when daddy does it. cos sometimes i think he's gonna just die in front of me. or worst still, die when i'm not anywhere near him. basically i'm afraid he'll die and i don't think i could take yet another person i love leaving me. i know, i'm so selfish.

---
terence and i finally satisfied our marmalade cravings. crab caesar - fucking yum. raspberry-honeydew-rockmelon juice - bloody good.

And for you I keep my legs apart
And forget about my tainted heart
And I will never ever be the first to say it
But still I, yes you know, I..I..I..
I would do it
Push the button
Pull the trigger
Climb a mountain
Jump off a cliff
Cause you know baby I love you love you
A little bit

If you would do it
If you would say it
If you would mean it
That we could do it
If it was you and I, not only I
Ha, hmm

I think I'm a little bit,
A little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit
Little bit
In lalalala love with me


:: Little Bit - lykke li

happy-la-la. hahaha.... i love you karin. you're so rubbish, just like me.


i wish i'd stop procrastinating cos i know i'm so gonna regret this.

i'm very caught up in this whole gg out thing. i wonder if this will turn into an unhealthy obsession. for some reason, i find it especially hard every time to find a good balance. adaptive dissonance.


i brought daddy and zehzeh and sean to have nepalese food today and then to enjoy the cool night views afforded us by tekka mkt hdb bubble lifts. fucking fantastic. it's really funny how i feel so much more comfortable and less apprehensive in little india than i do in chinatown. esp since my face like damn cina one-kind. sean said i look like some crazy china woman, traipsing down race course rd, weaving in and out of clusters of loiterers, my carelessly-kiap'd hair and my excessive number of bags bouncing up and down in tandem with my garang gait. and my false look of purposefulness. i can't help it, really. well it's not tt i want to. hah.

then we tried out the new circle line. (how is it pple say this place is boring when i can find so many things to be excited bout every day? see, terence? i told you i was resourceful... extremely ludicrously so.) zehzeh and sean alighted at paya lebar and daddy and i took the train to the end. we got out at marymount to recce a bit and to orientate ourselves. then on the way back in, we bitched bout the silly shiny floors and how these were so impractical (i really hate shiny floors in public places cos when wet, it's just a disaster waiting to happen. and with my kind of luck, i'm always the one to be slipping and sliding all ovr the place). in the train home, we stood at the front of the first car so we could admire the brilliantly-dark tunnels. in between, we tried to make sense of the pictoral instructions for emergency evacuation, which were pasted nxt to the viewing window. not clear at all... very ineffective, we concluded. i hope to goodness tt i'll never have to use this emergency exit, otherwise sure habis sia.

ok enough for now. gots to go and shower and get some sleep. i'm getting to be pretty sloppy. not good not good.

:: Turn On Billie - the pierces

i have this theory bout relationships tt i haven't really told many pple..

if your other half hurts you, or dumps you or something awful like tt, you'll end up inadvertently doing tt same thing to the next person you get into a relationship with. it's kind of like paying it forward but it's only the negative things tt get passed on.

i suspect this theory is only applicable to me. i don't want to hurt anyone the way i got hurt though. and anyway, i don't think i could find it in me to be half as cowardly as to dump anyone on fb either.

i'm not sure wat my point is. i guess it's tt i'm afraid of getting into anything. but there are things tt i do want but then i don't want to rush but then i feel like time is running out but then maybe the life tt i want isn't meant for me----- COGNITIVE DISSONANCE!!!!!

there are soo many things i wanna do.. which wouldn't be a problem if i had infinite amount of time as a young, lucid, fertile person. i'm so glad i didn't succumb to my adolescent suicidal tendencies cos tt would've just cut my time short by a nympholot, wouldn't it.

watching vids on tv5monde now. need to improve my french quite badly... vocab is kind of wonky now. ok, i'm gonna try to listen to one french vid a day.

i really need to start reading the papers.. and all the things i said i was gonna read this morning. laters. oh wait, before i go.. i know i haven't been writing lately. i'm so engrossed and busy with other stuff. but i think i've got to find time to so my little intrapersonal blablah cos when everyone goes, all i've got is myself. what am i blabbering bout? okok laters.

it's good friday today, so i've decided to abstain from gimi. we havent seen each other since last sat so this is a bit trying but i have to make up for not being a good girl the whole of lent so there. i'm trying not to indulge in food tt i like too. zehzeh says tt i should sacrifice going online but i reckon this will be asking too much of me. yes, maybe next yr. haha.

so i woke up at 11 plus and read the papers and watched tv. two things i havent done in quite a while for more than 15 consecutive mins. mostly cos for the past 3 weeks, i've been caught up with my course and hanging out with gimi and being restless in general. today is my self-imposed reading day. i'm attempting to get through a couple of days worth of ST papers, and a whole bunch of backdated magazines- 3 issues of I-S, french cosmopolitan, and aussie cleo- all of which i've amassed over the past month.

i'm starving right now.. only allowed myself two slices of two plain squished bread (tt i packed for brekky yesterday but didnt eat cos i ended up having yakun frm boonlay) spread with a moderate amount of butter and cinnamon sugar. tt was brunch. then for tea, i had four cherry tomatoes. ok i think i'm just gonna go find more food to eat right now. it's getting unbearable. (i think tt is actually the whole idea behind abstenance but i think not seeing gimi is enough punishment so i will mosey to the fridge right now and you will not stop me!)

:: The Only Exception - paramore

you know, this is the closest i've come to something hopeful. but just remembering the intoxicating high i revelled in before i plummeted all the way down is enough to deter me. cos when you're so high up, the only way is down, innit? i think if i was just a bit crazier than i am, i'd prob be one of those pple who'd, when they've found their true love, would kill them and then commit suicide. just to keep it pure, if you know what i mean.

:: You've Got The Love - florence and the machine

i think we need to jam pretty soon.

starting my course in less than 2 weeks and i duno how i feel bout it. meeting new pple is good... i guess? sometimes i feel like i should stop meeting new pple. since i'm already having trouble finding the time to keep up with the gazillion friends i already have (not a sarcastic statement). but then it's not like i can help meeting pple. i'm like an accidental social whore. i wonder if it's cos pple are drawn to me or if it's that i'm unconsciously compelled to impinge on everyone's life in tt annoying way i do. could be both, could be neither. back to the point bout meeting pple - and i think i've mentioned this before- i think i've met such a ridiculous number of pple in my various mini-lifestages tt any new person i meet inevitably reminds me of someone ive met before. what do i make of this? yet to figure tt out.


so... anyhoo, i've decided since some time last yr tt i'd only feel really safe being with someone (if i had to be with them longterm) who loved me for my grouchiest face. you know tt corny line "Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile."? it sounds nice and purty but really, wat's the point? the thing is, i have a lovely smile (or so i've been told) and i know pple like my smile- not cos i'm egotistic but cos i've been told waaay too often.. by taxi drivers, colleagues, my kids, random old pple blablah. see? everyone likes my smile. if someone only falls in love with your smile, where they gonna be when you're bawling your eyes out? so there- i'll only ever be convinced of true love if he (hypothetical he) can look at my sullen slut of a face and without even trying, love me (emotional baggage, crazy outbursts and wat have you). now that's wat i call true love. ready to find the love of your life? put on your blackest face, bitches!

:: Hide and Seek - imogen heap

"Indulge in a bit of education today. It may flow two ways - as you learn from others, you are almost certain to teach them a thing or two about living life happily."


haha. 'indulge in a bit of education today'. i couldnt help but laugh to myself when i read tt in ST horoscope section today. i'm fucking inundated by education, man. but watever. i hope i did teach my kids a thing or two bout living life happily. tt would be fantastic. of course, it'd be a bonus too if wat they learnt from me included the skills they need to figure out the prob sums they'll be tested on next week... but i guess there's only so much i can do.

so anyway, i found some two hrs just now to sit dwn and read the backlog of STs. only managed today and yesterday's but i guess tt's good enough for now.

sometimes i wish we had more time. my curious mind could do with lots more hrs. but then again, my procrastinating bum of a brain would probably find brilliant ways to squander the extra time and then leave an hr for me to whine tt i dont have enough time. so i guess my wish for more time is in fact quite redundant.

cheam's got a gig tmr but i cant go cos i'll be busy playing games chez my museum partner.

i need to brush up on my french. mummy's friend mentioned taking conversationals or enrichment or something at the AF. i've actually thought bout it before but we'll see. i have a feeling this is one of those things i'll end up pushing to one side. for now i'll just settle for reading french books and occasionally keeping up with my french.about.com subscriptions. while we're on the topic of thigns tt i ought to be giving more attention to.. i really should start inquiring bout my driving thing. but, you know, i have this terrible feeling tt as soon as i learn how to drive, i'm gonna fuck up. i'm too scared to even say wat i imagine "fucking up" might mean.

okok choy choy choy. don't talk this kind of thing already. i just found out this evening tt this yr is spposed to be a good yr for oxen. tt made me pretty excited inside. no prizes for guessing wat im hoping for this yr. sorry lah, gatal can not? tsk.

i'll regret this procrastination when the mornite is over. but i need a little reprieve right now. i wonder if i'll pay dearly for hoping this hard on this my mental case.

i'm surfing and imbibing live lounge covers. awesome, some of them.

i'm so tired. i got abused again today and i was really desperate for someone to have dinner with. in the end it was just a charbroiled chicken club and me. reminds me of my solitary burger king times. maybe only the burger is bigger now. oh i do miss my burger king times.

:: I Walk the Line (johnny cash cover) - erik hassle

i don't look a thing like she does. but i talk like a gentle soul, more than you'll ever know. oh hazelnut.

34th post since the 666th post.

i am upset today. this overwelming feeling of hopelessness was triggered by a student maliciously hitting me on the lower back earlier this evening.

i don't know why it made me so upset. i feel inexplicably hurt and i've been holding back the tears but the pain is welling up inside.

i'm frustrated with amount of non-teaching-related work tt has been dumped on me since sch started. i'll admit it's relatively not that much but seriously, why cant you write your own bloody article? i don't welcome this at all.

i have this nagging feeling tt i might have a brain tumour and will die soon. i also think tt i'm a hypochondriac. what luck.

today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two... i try to be not like tt, but some pple really suck.