You are an introvert. You are shy about expressing
your opinions and you probably don't think that
many people know the real you. But your friends
enjoy your company. You are probably very
modest. In fact I'd say your modesty is
probably the reason many people like you. You
probably have insecurities. If you do have
insecurities they are probably misplaced.


What's your personality?
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Which [Movie Genres] are you?

you know how sometimes, you want to know something so much, but then again you don't cos you're afraid th answer won't be in your favour. or maybe i'm afraid that if the answer is in my favour, then wat? - wat's it gonna prove? wat next?

i don't want to know. or do i? ambivalence yet again?
i guess one example would be my decision not ot get my iq tested again. for quite sometime, i've been wanting to go take a test (not those crappy online ones, i mean like at SGH kindof test). my mother brought me to morris allen centre and SGH to get my iq tested twice. 135, 143 respectively. ok, good for me. i wnat to know how i measure up now; but then again i don't cos i know that if i know i'm not as intelligent, it won't be so good for me. something in my gut says i'm slightly dumber now. but at least my gut isn't certified to judge.

last night i dreamt uncle jeffrey was gona kill me (literally) cos i broke my curfew. then i woke up ironically high. i love vintage sundays (gold 90fm for those who don't know). and something bout the coolness in the air stirred the pent up energy in me. danced, folded underwear, danced somemore. living the moment cos deep inside i know they're few and far between...

many pple seem to question the use of a blog. lots of pple write wat they do and stuff. but i started mine cos i guess i secretly wish that, after i die, someone will read my diary and realise why i was the way i was, why i did the things i did and why i said the things i said. and then they will realise that they never really knew me.
there's gratification in the thought of pple being enlightened; like the way sometimes you play hide-and-seek, and everyone can't find you. but after all these yrs, i thought that maybe i should give pple a chance to know wat's on my mind. cos there's usually a lot i want to say but don't. writing this blog has helped alleviate my internal conflict.
you'll never know someone till you let yourself live their life. - that's what i believe. amen

i'm still thinking: do i want to know?

lamp posts. along the road. they catch my attention. it's as though the pattern they make, their intensity, is calling out. after mervyn dropped isaac, i saw a lit lamp suddenly go out. only i noticed; but to me it seemed to significant. maybe i should try to stop searching for meanings and live life normal. oh i can't help it can i?

i wish i could be there for a friend when they need someone. i feel so inadequate when i know that they've made a conscious effort not to confide in me. but i don't know that, do i? how presumptious you are, amelia. presuming that you don't know. er... like huh?

i'll know when the right one comes won't i? or will i just keep shunning till i'm old and haggard and sick of this game? i'm refusing to look, i'm gonna sit on my fLat butt till someone comes looking for me and charms the crap out of me. *scoffs* hah! {:oP
after the first experience, i thought i'd only have a soft spot for intellectual slacks. wasn't till lately that i realised that what i really appreciate is someone who sees things differently from me and shows me the world in a way that fills me with wonder.
wow... i feel so enlightened.. wooo.... i think i'm floating.

wanted to leave you a block quote. flipped thru em books of mine and i couldn't remember which parts i liked.
was it the words that i liked or the feelings those words had stirred in me?

i want school to start soon.
i'm anxious to see wat the new sem has to offer me, in terms of... everything. it seems so far away - from now till then, i'm gonna make kaya, have my room painted, pack my wardrobe, eat at sakae, watch a few movies, attend aunty june's b'day thing, et cetera, et cetera. i have to get thru all of tt, even before i step into np again. so get my pt when i say far away?
it's not so much the time factor tt makes it far, but more of the stuff tt's in between.

last night, my comp logged off on me. (like huh?) Anyway, then i thought i'd put my thoughts down in my diary, only to find tt it only had one blank page left and i hadn't bought another bk cos i'd been using my blog instead. this whole lack of somewhere to put my thoughts caused a wave of panic in me. so i said it's ok, relax...i'll just draw my feelings. then, i looked and looked for my sketchbk- to no avail (i must've left it in my locker in sch). i realised i couldn't even recall what my sketchbk looks like.
how do you look for something you don't know? it all occured to me then that i had lost touch with my habits. with myself.

how could i be searching for something - or someone - i don't know, can't recall?

if love is blind - tiffany
where do you go - no mercy
99 red balloons - nena
innuendo - queen
promise me - beverly craven

...and i say
indeed, it is good.

serve me chilled in the morning cos i felt so cool tonight. stoned with my classics. play on, play on...

tmr, i have a wedding to sing for at 12. i'm so sick of this routine.
i don't want to keep doing something i don't believe in. i wish i could just stop; but i've been going to church as long as i can remember - i know of nothing aside frm the redemption that's ahead.
right - so now, i've become one of those pple who go to church just in case - just in case judgement day is tmr and i don't wanna be last on the list. i hate this cowardly hypocrite that is me.

i fell off the Pedestal of High just now. dunno what pushed me off, but it must've grated me quite abit. so that i even wrote a shitty rhyming poem in 3 mins. .oh look, a screw just dropped out frm i dunno where and fell under my chair. guess i'm really losing my screws huh. i'm cooling off as i write this, but i'm still feeling bitch enough to thrust my shitload of words at you who are reading this...

You said you’d be there, I didn’t hear you wrong.
But perhaps you weren’t too clear of your intentions all along.
You said we’d be good friends. Was that like a vow?
Or something you said but don’t really mean now?

I try to smile when I see you happy.
But your bliss irritates the shit out of me.
Don’t turn your promises round when you’ve found what you like.
Cos I become a bitch when I’m full of spite.
I’ll become that someone I hate to be.
I’ll make you regret knowing me.

Maybe this is just another mood, another lousy day.
But I’m still angry so don’t begin to feel good.
I hate being this way.
I hate it being this way.

i HATE it when you don't listen. ya, i know you heard me. but your happiness is blasting so loud, you can't understand my words. LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't make me feel this way. i don't want to lose control of me.

WOO-HOO!!!!!!!! uncle jeffrey fixed my comp! it's great to have a tech-savvy stepfather. anyway, right now, i'm a bit high... don't know why. maybe it's because i watched 3 hrs of CSI just now; made me feel so detective-ey heh. tt doesn't explain why i'm high... oh well haha. ~trip to fridgerator~ ok, just had some of zehzeh's angelfood cake with homemade jam. i'm calmer now. i've finished reading A Clockwork Orange(damn horrorshow, my droogs) and Sue Miller's short stories (only Inventing the Abbots was good). uncle jeffrey might get retrenched (SIA being bitchy and all); tt'll make me feel even worse bout not having a job. if my attachment isn't next sem, i'll do waitressing.

helped my mother with babysitting today. got bored with the kid after awhile. A dormant fear erupted in my mind: would i get sick of my kids next time? will i get sick of my husband? i know it sounds all farfetched, but sometimes i'm afraid my lack of passion and my short-term fads will be the death of me. i need a commitment to challenge me - maybe a new relationship or a job or something.

i have this theory - that every person is but a container of unique experiences. some containers are transparent, some opaque, others inbetween. of various materials though all bout the same shape. but it's the bottles' contents - what we experience - that makes us us. an empty bottle wouldn't be stupid person; it'd someone who didn't experience much. good or bad, you decide. i can't explain it all, but tt's basically the jist. yeah.
lately i haven't dipped into the low end of the mood spectrum. i need a poignant anything to come pique my mind.

a big YAY! i'm all better now! thought i'd never recover. anyway, happy fathers' day to all (?) haha. i've been practising the song tt i wrote. next time i let ya'll hear ok? (ok! ya'll chorus in delightful anticipation)
last night, i had an attack again, so took a puff of ventolin and sat up in bed, listening to the radio and talking to myself. actually it's not myself i talk to. i actually talk to one or another of my good friends (only tt they aren't around). and imagine how they'd reply; but they mostly listen. then i also had a good cry with one of them last night. - i know, i'm crazy (so sue me!). but it's all part of what keeps me somewhat sane.
i was and am thinking bout how much i missed secondary school and jc. so here's just a sketch i did in sec4 (or sec3?). oh the fun times we all had snoozing and eating in class *sigh*... so nostalgic. can you guess who this snoozy is? haha

Weed.
Youre the baby of the drugs, and thats okay, because Im sure, I could do you all day.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
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