Monday, June 27, 2005

test.

:: How Can I Fall - breathe


i'm feeling tired and i don't feel so good. i've been trying to avoid mentioning my boyfriend in every entry but i will have to do it again. he went back to camp today cos he was sick yesterday and just now i insisted on meeting him to pass him the digi pics of us tt i printed out. he was sick and i chased him out of the toilet just to pass him pictures cos i thought i would make me feel good. i guess i expected a more dramatic reaction but you cannot blame sick pple for not being energetic. and for some reason i don't feel good now. maybe it was the look on his face. i hate expecting.


today's work was such a drag. only one lady at work talks to me and the rest just try to graciously ignore me. they try. i hope they don't extend the work past wed. bloody depressing place.

andrew's blog can't load. i hope he hasn't gone and taken it away. we had our last banlung presentation practice on thursday and just before it started, i bumped into jon mash andrea in the lift then later saw kuan hua and then andrew and deny. now everytime i sing foolish games, it doesn't sound as good as before. you're always brilliant in the morning/smoking your cigarette and talking over coffee/your philosophies on art/baroque moved you, you loved mozart/and you'd speak of your loved ones as i clumsily strummed my guitar. i am so sure jewel wrote tt song bout you (for me..? ). i was so sure it was you except for the coffee part cos i never knew you to be a coffee drinker. but did you see how my face lit up tt day when you asked bout lidong? i really surprised myself. i wonder if you ever worry tt i'll forget you or vice versa.


:: Merman - tori amos

you know, right now, i have so much to lose. please don't go.

Friday, June 24, 2005

:: Run - snow patrol

do you ever feel stupid and/or foolish for not noticing how interesting a person is until the opportunity to befriend them in a naturally-occuring setting passes you by? then you go how come i never bothered to get to know him/her? i suspect tt the depth and the frequency of my feeling this way stems frm my secret desire to be around pple who i think are cool and talented. amelia, you closet elitist, you. and then there's also tt feeling of sheepishness when i discover someone is actually more talented or more interesting than i initially thought (if at all) them out to be.

i'm spposed to be doing a storyboard for durga for 100$. it's due at noon, but i'm still procrastinating. oh BLURGH. basic theory is on saturday morning and i don't think i'll pass.

i remember how farhan's mp3 player saved my wavering sanity in cambodia. i put blue's breathe easy and boxcar racer's there is on replay like, a million times. yea, it feels good to let it out with some tears and sweet harmonies. why does pain feel so good? i feel like eating panfried foie gras on prune brioche. like, right now. argh.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

if my love was a song,
if my love was a song,
i'd blow the wind right through your heart
so you'd sing along.

if my love was a flame,
if my love was a flame,
i'd light the stars behind the sun
and burn your name.

if my love was a rain,
i'd soak you through and through;
the drops on you would melt into the summer's dew.

if my love was the sky,
if my love was the sky,
i'd swirl the clouds
into a dream for you and i.

my love is only a dream,
my love isn't real,
so i sing this song to tell you how i feel.

if my love were the stars,
i'd shoot them straight across the galaxy;
a rainbow's end, we'd never see.

si mon amour est une flamme
if my love was a flame,
i'd light the stars behind the sun
and burn your name.

if my love was a rain,
i'd soak you through and through;
the drops on you would melt into the summer's dew,
a summer's dew, summer's dew...


:: Flame - maggi, pierce and e.j.



sweet and simple lyrics. reminds me of even when i'm sleeping by leonardo's bride. i'm a sucker for music and those who can appreciate it or, better still, produce it. by burning me this extremely likeable song, the annoying bbc alvin kiang has fallen into the former category and thus graduated frm my 'Abominables' list to join the ranks of 'the people whom i don't like cos they irritate me'.

human nature is like tt, isn't it. it's hard for us to give pple we already hate a chance, unless they prove themselves useful. ok, maybe tt's just me.

my baby called me today frm 'summer camp'. i love you, darling. i forgot to tell you tt i dreamt of you. not a loveydovey dream (i don't really have these), not a nightmare either (i usually have these); just a slightly catatonic dream in which you were driving a small car. in the front seat was another girl and in the back was me and this annoying guy whom i only recognised in the dream. the girl was silent but the guy was pissing me off and you said something to him. i think you ticked him off; i vaguely remember. then i was at my dad's hse which wasn't the same one as in real life but this was a dream and things are always different in my dreams. pple who had come over to visit (and whose identities i cannot remember now) were leaving the hse and i was left alone. 'bye bye', i smiled and waved then i sat down near the kitchen door. the place looked like a small modern apartment. so i took a walk dwnstairs and the condo was called somethingsomething Hotel (something to do with safari or something maybe, i just don't remember). it was near a beautiful beach. i walked by the shore and the water lapping at my feet looked deep and blue. it seemed like i had stepped into a life-size version of one of those mini mini models they put in a glass case at condo showroms to show you how the real thing will look like. but this was like a hotel. pple were walking in and out with luggage. there was also a buffet spread at the restaurant downstairs. i think i woke up soon after and stoned in bed, ruminating.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

:: Can't Stop Now - keane

keane's songs are so incredibly poignant. i'm a sucker for things like that because i like to be reminded of what it's like to hurt inside. just to be sure i'm still alive, i assure you.

well, anyways. i got into uwa and i'm so so happy and excited. i've kind of decided what four subjects i wanna take in my first yr: linguistics, french, music and anthropology. but of course, i might change my mind in time to come.

one week down and one more to go. i remember asking myself: what is love if you didn't miss tt someone when they were gone? i like this relationship cos i'm learning to do things i never knew i could.

i lepak'd outside taka with jon and liy sunday cos i had time to kill before meeting daddy. there are pple i wish i make more effort to spend time with. vien; i haven't seen her in ages, let alone hung out with her. andrew; timing is always bad. dom; i guess our conversations have almost always been online but we've never really made the effort to meet up in sch so ya. durga; timing also always a bit sallah. these are the pple i can think of now but i'm sure this isn't all.

sometimes i'm anxious to hang out with a person and then the meeting turns out to be a disappointment, painfully - and sometimes unexplainably - awkard. Maybe it's cos of crankiness, bad timing, misunderstanding and other watever things. or it could simply be because time and space just built up between us. it's happened to me a couple of times recently and i'm afraid it will become too familiar.

i think after i had decided to go apply for uni, i've been trying to break away frm commitments and avoid making new ones. i just want to start from somewhere new without being held back by anything. funny tt i should say this, since i know myself to be one who's constantly clinging to times gone by. i just want try and make it on my own, you know? i want to know how far i can take myself without guidance. i think i'm learning. i'm learning.

Monday, June 13, 2005

i was telling pete just now: the next two weeks will be good for me and lidong cos we're both forced to sleep early (him especially). he called saturday night bout 3 mins before lights out and knowing he was enjoying his new lifestyle (thus far) and his new hair just made me happy and relieved. see, i told you it'd be fun right? =P

the mattresses there are like, five inches thick, you know? i keep telling it to everyone. now, not double-decker beds anymore so aiyah no fun haha. the sergeant guide fella who took us ot the ninja quarters during the tekong tour pointed out tt the mess room had ps2, but only original games were allowed.

:: Girls - beastie boys

rj rosales was at esplanande and it was pretty good. as i watched i wondered wat it'd be like if i got the opportunity to perform like tt. i hope i wouldn;t screw it up. and i thought bout how i like the outdoor theatre so muhc cos it's so... democratic (?). namely cos it's free. did i tell you i'm done with reading eleanor rigby? well, i am.

i think i shall now only stick to professional hot waxing services. haha shiok man. shiok. was planning to tan while zeh zeh wakeboards tmr but am feeling flu-ey so better not. oh and... nicole (batchelor-cousin) told me yesterday tt her company is hiring so i'm gonna apply and scrap the other job i was due to start. i think i miss cuddling with my baby. don't be a wuss, amelia.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

look at me, crying like this. i'm not bout to address the issue of how dependent we (or i) have become on technology. i'm not about to berate myself for allowing myslef to be victimised by faulty computer chips. i've always been threatened by technological advancements; i'm personally offended by how they conveniently appear and make necessities out of themselves. like how i insisted i didn't want or need a handphone but mummy and uncle jeffrey decided they could force one on me. i used to be able to remember more than 20 phone numbers but my reliance on my handytalkie has allowed me to be more retarded. three cheers for technology.

hey, note how bitching has made me too distracted to cry? i'm so so angry.

you know, i don't actually recall most of the things i had in my hard drive. i know to this, mummy would say, if you don't remember it, it probably wasn't tt important. but you see, tt's not the point. the point is, if i go on like this, soon i will not exist anymore because i will keep storing parts of me in faithless little pieces of metal tt will just keep crashing out on me.

thursday is looming closer than i thought but i know i will keep it together, simply cos we've got no choice.

i'm excited bout getting into uwa. in first yr, i think i'll do linguistics, french, anthropology and maybe one other language or music. yay so fun.

Monday, June 06, 2005

sometimes i feel bad for imposing my emotions on pple. do not feel patronised, for you will only make me feel lousy about myself. be obliging and happy or piss off.

i realise i haven't been keeping a paper diary or a schedule for almost a few years. i fear tt i will soon (in a couple of years maybe?) run out of personal notebooks and schedules to peruse and reminisce as i do. and i will by then, forget what i used to do and what places i've been to, what events i've been to. and i will become empty for what i'm made of is memories of myself.

my laptop is down and i'm using zeh zeh's. she goes illegal wakeboarding in some dirty longkang in punggol and it's like swimming in bubbling sulphur, so i hear.

i am self indulgent and therefore dangerous. awas.
right now, the smell of wet grass and the sound of moonlight sonata and the occasional whirr of my fan.

i was irritable just now cos he wasn't coming over and i had expected him to; i was sulking on the phone. and i fear i've evolved into one of those pple who talk bout their girlfriend/boyfriend on their blogs all the time. i fear i've become one of those girls who whine and fawn over their boyfriends. so this is what being in a relationship is like(?). i guess up till now, i'd forgotten how perplexed these things make me feel. this was wat i was missing for 3 years? sometimes we like or dislike things, then time passes and we forget why. occasionally i feel the urge to remind myself why i love and hate certain things. sometimes i realise my tastes have changed, sometimes i don't.

the grass is dry now and i don't smell anything. come back, come back! please.


i'm feeling lethargic and tetchy now but it can't be pms.

my pay has not been confirmed yet and if i'm not getting 1000/mth at least, then i might not take the job, since the recruitment agency seems to have so many better jobs. duno lah. this tentative feeling is making me feel uncomfortable, just like the dreams i had last night. i was in secondary school and i saw pple i did not like. mr teo et al. and then there was canteen food but the stall owners were different. the food was different and didn't whet my appetite. and there was an emptiness in the faces of the stall owners. they were new, but not shiny or happy. just new and sad and dull. i don't understand what i am emoting right now.

my room is a new colour. 2 coats of a purple shade called Allure. i don't quite care bout the name, really. maybe if it had been a purple called Popcorn or something, then i might have some interest. or maybe a purple called Vincent.

:: A Letter to Elise - the cure

oh lovely, lovely song.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

:: Happy? - mudvayne

the night before last night, lidong scared the shits out of me. i saw my terrified expression in the mirror and the tears started forming in my eyes. i guess you could say tt it's comforting cos i wouldn't have been that affected and the pain wouldn't have been so great if i didn't love him this much. i'm not trying to be optimistic in a corny way. i'm just seeing things in my warped way.

oh no the words to Happy? are like not so pleasant for now. so change song, ok.

i'm relieved to know tt at least i can cry in front of you. i'm always more willing to share joy with pple than i am willing to share my sorrows with anyone. just because i don't tell sad stories doesn't mean tt i don't have any.

i mulled it over and wondered if the conversation would have been possible if we had been talking face to face instead. somehow i'm more unreserved in online exchanges. the words come easier and smoother. well in any case, we haven't solved it, my bohemian ambivalence and avoidance versus his charted plans and plainspokenness. and i don't suppose there's any solution but compromise. but we'll have to figure tt as we go along.

you know how good it feels to hear your boyfriend tell his friend "i luv my gf very much". it occured to me yesterday and it feels fucking good. {:o)